5 Tips for Calming the Fuck Down While the World Falls Apart (Now with a theme song!)
Oh, hey, I sent these tips a year ago and it turns out they still slap.
Welp. It’s been 342 days since I shared some of my favorite strategies for not freaking the fuck out during <gestures to everything>, and LITERALLY ALL OF THEM REMAIN PERTINENT.
So that’s where we are. But the good news is, now we have musical accompaniment!
See Tip #1 for a gentle and mellifluous reminder to put the phone down and walk away (after you read this post, of course) . . .
5 Tips for Calming the Fuck Down While the World Falls Apart
(Originally published in Nov 2023; slightly edited and lightly annotated to keep you on your toes.)
Happy Monday, my little fucklings! Or, you know, happy-ish, depending on which global disaster(s) you can’t stop thinking, reading, or getting texts from political candidates about.1
Not to diminish the gravity of any one of the ongoing crises, but if you watch the news lately (or even just scroll through your socials) it seems like every continent is seeing fascism, airborne contagion, and sea levels on the rise—not to mention icebergs, honeybees, and civil liberties on the decline.2
And I don’t know if there’s actually more war, pestilence, extreme weather, and alarming cultural regression going on than ever before, but I do know we’re more aware of it, because technology has seen to it that humans can’t go a millisecond without mainlining the latest hit of gloom and/or doom.3
But I digress. I’m here to make you feel better, not send you diving under the duvet for the rest of the year.
That’s why today I’m sharing a few strategies that always help me calm the fuck down when the going gets tough. Use them in good [mental] health!
Tip #1: Limit your exposure
My sweet summer children, you needn’t be info-gathering over breakfast, on the toilet, astride a Peloton, during your commute, AND right before going to sleep (or trying to go to sleep, at any rate).
A once-or-twice-per-day news dump should be sufficient to keep you in the know without also keeping your blood pressure higher than Snoop Dogg.
(And honestly, unless your job security rests on staying abreast of world events, you don’t even have to do that. News gonna news whether your read it or not.)
BONUS: My extremely talented and adorable husband just released a catchy new song called “I Should Put My Phone Down,” which could not be more perfectly timed for this here Monday in the Year of Our Lord 2024. Check it out on Spotify, YouTube, or wherever you get your tunes!
Tip #2: Strike a balance
If you simply cannot find your way around the 24-hour news cycle, then for every outlet or journalist you follow, try adding a palliative account to the mix.
I used to get a kick out of PépitoTheCat on Twitter, which was just time-stamped black and white footage of some cat in France coming and going through his cat door, accompanied by the captions “Pépito is out” or “Pépito is back home.” I would scroll through Pépito’s feed to zone out before bed; it was like counting sheep, but instead you’re counting the same French cat over and over again.
Très relaxing.
Anyway, since I am no longer on that blasted Hellsite, I don’t know if Pépito is either, but over on Instagram, the nosenekoshiro account combines two of my favorite things: cats, and stuff on cats’ heads.
I also follow awhalefact for reliable LOLs, and I will watch any organizing ASMR video The Home Edit ladies care to throw at me.4
Tip #3: Bone up
It seems counterintuitive, but doing a deep dive into whatever single current event is giving you the biggest case of the Freaky Fridays (er, Manic Mondays?) may help vanquish some of your more paranoid fantasies.
For example, when I was originally writing these tips to include in my book Calm the Fuck Down, it was 2018, and according to the mainstream media, the US had narrowly escaped going to nuclear war with North Korea. Good times!
As a child of the 1980’s, I’d already seen a few seasons of “lying awake at night with visions of mushroom clouds dancing in my head,” and I wasn’t longing for a reboot of that franchise. Fortunately, as a forty-something adult, I had the capacity to do something about it.
In this case, what I did was “the reading.”
And it turns out that researching how the nuclear football actually works—and learning that a certain orange howler monkey would have to memorize a quantity of detailed information in order to launch an attack—did wonders for a certain someone’s ability to stop worrying about that particular Presidential faux pas coming to pass.
You can do the same in re: whatever global events are keeping YOU up at night.5
(Just make sure you’re conducting your research via reputable sources, not Uncle Gary’s Whiskey-Time YouTube channel.)
Tip #4: Take a memo
Drafting an impassioned letter to a global leader, a local representative—or, say, a collective body of repugnant dick weasels who’ve got their weasel-paws all up in your reproductive freedom—can really get the Roe v. Mad out of you.
Also, FYI, journaling is scientifically proven to help calm you down by getting all those burning, churning thoughts out of your head and onto the page.
You don’t even have to send your angry missive to reap the benefits of having written it, but for the cost of a stamp it might be a nice bonus to know it’ll reach its intended target. (Or at least clutter their inboxes. Weasels.)
—>PS: Ooh…if you are a U.S. citizen, you could also use your real or metaphorical pencil to VOTE sometime in the next nine days. Voting is good! Voting is productive! Voting helps you feel like you are doing one small but mighty thing within your power to hopefully drag not only your country but also let’s face it the entire world back from the brink of authoritarian rule! (Please vote.)6
Tip #5: Do good
When I’m feeling powerless, one thing that brings me comfort is donating to a good cause, whether it’s a global relief fund, a local charity, or just a single person who needs a helping hand.
Is this my economic privilege talking? Sure, but if it makes me feel better and helps someone less fortunate, all I see is a two-for-one special on good deeds.
But if you happen to be as low on funds as you are on expectations for achieving world peace any time soon, remember that “giving” needn’t require a cash outlay. You probably have other resources at your disposal.
For example:
You could spend some time and energy checking in on elderly relatives during chaotic times; or calling on your legislators to demand clean water, a living wage, or a cease-fire.7
If you’ve read a great book or listened to a smart podcast that amplifies a cause you believe in, you could take a moment to share it with someone you think would appreciate it—or at least leave the creator a nice review; those alone are a balm for the soul!
More ideas:
Compliment a stranger’s outfit. (Just not in a creepy way, please.)
Shovel your neighbor’s walk when you’re out doing yours anyway. (Aren’t you a doll!)
Bring your leftover birthday cake to the office. (I cannot overstate how much joy there is to be had in both dispensing and consuming free cake.)
Alright my feisty fucklings, that’s a wrap on “Evergreen Advice for Surviving Perennially Shitty Times.”
I hope it helps—and now that you’re finished reading…maybe you should put your phone down and get some sleep?
Just a thought.
The Democrats text me more than my husband and family combined.
Yup, still happening.
We didn’t need Threads, is what I’m saying.
Alas, many of which continue to involve said howler monkey.
Also please note: if you MAGA me in the comments I will block you so fast your li’l red hat will spin. I. Do. Not. Have. Time. For. That. Shit.
Did not change a single word of this sentence I wrote 342 days ago, no I did not.
or you can write to your representative and in very strong words encourage them to send weapons to Ukraine -- to reduce the probability of WW3 starting within a year.
I felt like I had to keep getting 400 texts a day (RIGHT NOW 300% MATCH!!!!) from the Dems because… loyalty? And then I was like, “Manage your texts. You are doing the work. You do not need them texting you all day.” So I stopped ALL of them. It was such a gigantic relief. I didn’t realize how much it was stressing me out.