The "No-and-Switch" is Your New Secret Weapon for Setting Boundaries
It works like a charm.
If you liked my 10 Tips for Saying No, you’re gonna love this: an ultra-versatile way to deliver a polite, respectful no AND turn a situation that’s definitely bad for you into one that could be good for everybody.
I call it the “No-and-Switch.” It’s great for—
Beginners who aren’t yet comfortable dishing out a hard no
People-pleasers who genuinely want to help without being completely taken advantage of
Overachievers who ought to be compensated better for their ambitious and accommodating nature
Literally anyone who prefers to work and/or play on mutually agreeable terms
Here’s how it works: You say no to something you can’t, shouldn’t, or don’t want to do by offering an alternative that DOES work for you. My, aren’t you a Clever Trevor!
And here’s how to do it.
8 Scenari-nos Perfect for Busting Out a No-and-Switch
1: A friend you love is always inviting you to join urban scavenger hunts and get in on group-discount seats for the local Triple-A baseball team. You feel bad saying no every time, but you don’t love “activities involving lots of people.”
“Thanks for the invite! I can’t make it, but I’d love to see you sometime soon. It would be great to catch up one-on-one. Lemme know when you’re free?”
2: A co-worker makes a habit of asking you for help on their projects when really they just want you to do the whole thing for them.
“Sorry, no can do. Oh—unless you can take [X] off my plate? I’m down to swap if you are!”
3: Your partner asks you to organize a group dinner. Again.
“Honestly, I don’t have the bandwidth to get twelve people to agree on a restaurant this week. If you want to handle it, great, but I’m happy to invite them all here for Domino’s if you prefer.”
4: Your “work wife” asks you to weigh in on their relationship drama while you’re on the clock, and you don’t have time for that, nor do you think it’s appropriate chit-chat in your open plan office.
“This feels like a two-for-one margarita conversation to me. How about we table it for now and talk it out during happy hour?”
5: Your boss inquires whether you can stay late to do something.
“I’ve got to get out of here on time tonight, but I can rearrange my day tomorrow to make time for it first thing in the morning. Would that work?”
6: Your aging parents are on a decluttering kick and they keep offering to give you Grand Nana’s musty quilts and your middle school swimming trophies they found in the attic. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, but…no.
“I don’t need any of that stuff, thanks. Happy to keep you company while you clean out, though!” (Even more convenient, this option works in-person or via FaceTime.)
7: A client asks if you can have their project completed two weeks ahead of schedule. And actually, you could…if you get compensated accordingly.
“Dear [X], I’m afraid it won’t be possible to accelerate this timeline under the same terms we’ve agreed to. However, if you are able to increase the project budget by [whatever it’s worth to you], I can allocate more resources to speed up completion. Please let me know within 48 hours if that is acceptable and otherwise, expect to hear from me no later than our original deadline.”
8: Your siblings start a group chat to decide who’s going to host Christmas this year.
“I’d rather not have it at my place, but I’d be more than happy to help [plan/cook/Venmo a caterer].” ← Note: this is basically just a mature, adult version of “Not it!”
And there you have it—the No-and-Switch takes the ball out of your court and puts the No onus (the no-nus?) on someone else. And the best part is, you get credit for being accommodating, but in a way that suits you, too!
Well played, my little fucklings.
Well played.
A bit about me: I spent 15 years as a book editor in NYC before quitting that career to pursue a freelance life (a decision that involved a lot of red wine and a lot of tears). In 2015 I had the idea for my first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. And people loved it, so I kept writing! Today my sweary self-help series includes Get Your Shit Together, Calm the Fuck Down, Grow the Fuck Up, and more, with 3 million copies in print all over the world. You can also find me on Instagram, where my content skews tropical (in addition to quitting my job, I quit New York entirely and moved to a small fishing village in the Dominican Republic), plus food, cocktails, travel, and cats. So many cats.
Top tier adulting!