I Don't Give a Fuck About Being Liked
It doesn't make me a bad person, but it does make me a happier one.
Happy Monday, my gentle fucklings! I hope June is treating you well thus far.
This week I’m tackling a topic raised in our NFG Chat by Julianne, who wanted some advice on shedding “The ever-present need to be liked. I thought I’d grow out of it, but it’s only slightly dampened in my late 50s.”
Girl, I gotchu.
I do not give a fuuuuuuck about being liked. And I know it’s easy to type that sentence, add a fire emoji, and walk away without digging into why and how I’ve come to this liberating conclusion—and how you might arrive there too.
Luckily, that’s not how I roll.
Let’s discuss!
Started from unlikable, now I’m here.
I realize this may surprise you, but I was born a bossy little know-it-all.
And while these traits have served me well in my career as an advice guru, they didn’t win many fans among my youthful peers, who wanted me on their team if it involved “me doing all the work for a group grade,” but not so much on any other squad, be it athletic or social.
(To be fair, I was and remain slow and uncoordinated, so I can’t blame anyone for picking me last for volleyball. I was also not the cutest kitten in the litter, and I’m sure that factored into some kids not liking me, especially when we hit the Peak Teen Mean Girls era. C’est la vie.)
It’s not as though I had no friends or a terrible childhood—far from it—but looking back now, I can see that my middle/high school years are when I first flirted with the attitude of Whatever, I don’t even care if you don’t like me.
Did it start out as a high-functioning defense mechanism? Oh, absolutely.
But eventually I just leaned the fuck in and embraced it as a liberating, empowering M.O.—and I gotta tell you, it’s working for me.
(I mean, I literally took the blunt, bossy attitude that so chafed my adolescent counterparts and channeled it into a series of books that have sold three million copies worldwide. Like it or not, you can’t argue with those results.)
So, yes: I’m ambitious, outspoken, and no-bullshit. Welcome to the party!
As I said, these aspects of my personality have served me well, and if they also happen to render me intimidating, annoying, and/or “unlikable” to certain corners of the comments section (or to real, live people I meet at a bar or on a work trip or in line at Target), then I accept that as the cost of doing business.
Not for nothing, I also happen to be loyal, generous, and thoughtful—qualities some folks may never know I possess because they already decided they don’t like me for [insert reason]. And that’s their prerogative! I’m not out here leaning into my strengths and upholding my values for “likes.” I’m doing it because it makes me feel good and helps me sleep at night. (Highly recommended.)
Then of course, there are my weaknesses—the things about my personality and proclivities that I don’t like, and which I’m trying to improve, because my opinion of myself is the one that guides my actions and behavior.
For example, I know that I tend to dominate the dinner table conversation, and I’m working on being less of a mic hog. I also know that my obsessive need for order is not always shared by others, and I’m working on controlling my overwhelming urge to move shit around when I’m a guest in someone else’s home.
True, reining this stuff in is a boon for the people around me (and may result in them liking me a little more, or inviting me back to the lake house), but I do the work first and foremost because I want to be a better version of myself.
I want to like me. The rest is in the eye of the beholder.
And in my experience, HOO BOY, BEHOLDERS GONNA BEHOLD AND THERE IS NOT A GODDAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Folks, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
You cannot control whether people like you.
Which means that giving a fuck—i.e., caring and worrying—about if they like you and/or how to make them like you is a waste of your precious resources.
Full stop.
And look, I understand that not everybody thinks about the world in terms of “Things I Can Control” and “Things I Can’t” (while others of us wrote a whole-ass book about it), but hear me out—because this simple, binary mindset could save you a lot of unnecessary grief over whether Cindy’s BFF from college likes you when you meet at the bridal shower next weekend.
Ready?
First: Let us consider whether YOU like everyone you meet. I’m guessing that’s a nope. And is it always for a “good” and “valid” reason? Probably also nope!
(Sure, sometimes it is for good reason, like said person being hell-bent on destroying your right to bodily autonomy; but other times it’s because they “dissed your favorite tacos” or they “drive a Tesla” or they “started calling you ‘mate’ after a gap year in Australia even though you are both American.”)
Next, consider the following undeniably realistic scenarios:
Some people think you’re very funny, but your particular sense of humor doesn’t jive with that of your sister-in-law, and she doesn’t like you.
Some people think you’re awfully nice, but others perceive your friendliness as weird or needy or performative, and they don’t like you. (Case in point: I actively dislike dogs, widely known to be among the friendliest of all animals.)
Some people won’t like you because they happened to be in a bad mood the first time you met, and they will forever associate you with that day their dick boss Bryan talked over them in a meeting.
Some people won’t like you because they’re jealous of something you have, like good hair or a rent-controlled apartment.
Some people won’t like you because you look like someone else they don’t like.
In sum: People are judgy and ridiculous! So are you sometimes! So am I!
Given all of the above, if we want to live our lives free of, as Julianne put it, “the ever-present need to be liked,” then we ALL have to get the you-know-what over ourselves in the face of other people’s judgy ridiculousness.
Here’s the truth, the scoop, the real fucking deal that just might change your life:
You can’t make people like you.
You can’t force people to respect you.
But you can be someone who likes and respects yourself. And the only things you can control in support of those outcomes are YOUR actions and behavior.
Full stop.
“They either want the Bean or they don’t want the Bean.”
In closing, I wanted to share a bit of this 2022 New York Magazine interview with actress Beanie Feldstein—of Booksmart, Lady Bird, and Monica Lewinsky in Impeachment: American Crime Story—among other credits.
The piece came out as Feldstein was preparing to take on the role of Fanny Brice (originated by Barbra Streisand) in the recent revival of Funny Girl on Broadway. At the time, there was much industry chatter about her not being right for the part, and indeed it was swiftly taken over by Lea Michele, a more quote-unquote traditional choice.
Beanie acknowledges the bias against her casting, saying, “I don’t look like the other girls, and I don’t act like the other girls, and my body is not the same as the other girls. But Fanny believes that she has something special, and she’s very unapologetic in her pursuit of getting to be onstage.”
And when interviewer Michaela Jaé Rodriguez asks what advice she would give to young artists who may feel like outsiders or be misunderstood, Feldstein reveals her “secret weapon to stopping herself from caring about what anyone else thinks of her.”
I crafted this thing for myself when I was a teenager. I would go to auditions, whether it was at the school community theater every now and then; if I would do a professional audition. I would walk into a room and feel very bigger or shorter or more Jewish or whatever it was; I felt very different than the other girls in the room.
I was like, “They either want the Bean or they don’t want the Bean.”
This was my little motto that I would say to myself. It was really freeing because you didn’t feel the need to become something you can’t be or that you’re not. You have to just lead with who you are and your-ness, your mush, and your humanity and put it out there to the best of your ability.
I think about this conversation a LOT, and now I hope you will too.
Lead with who you are.
Put it out there to the best of your ability.
They either want the Bean or they don’t want the Bean.
And you don’t need to give a fuuuuuuck about any of it, as long as you’re bein’ the Bean you want to be.
—> This post was inspired by a suggestion from my new NFG Chat. Paid subscribers can join the conversation HERE and request topics for future posts.
I’m glad you enjoyed it—thanks for the suggestion! (And I have also been on the receiving end of the “I didn’t like you at first” 😂 Badge of honor I say!)
"I’m working on controlling my overwhelming urge to move shit around when I’m a guest in someone else’s home." I read this...laughed out loud as in burst of laughter. I think it's because I actually imagined what you must look like trying REALLY hard not to move shit around in other people's homes!