Just Say No...to Your Boss?!
It could be the smartest thing you do all week.
A while back, I promised you guys a story about conquering my professional FOMO and saying a big, scary No to my then-boss that worked out just fine.
Well, gather ‘round, because today’s the day!
May this true tale of boundaries set and served help YOU muster up the gumption to do the same someday when your mental and physical health depends on it.
Just Say No…to Your Boss.
Once upon a time, my boss asked if I would like to represent the company on a transatlantic business trip, and my inner Yes-Men leapt to attention. (Remember those guys?)
The Overachiever was flattered to have been asked first among my colleagues and tempted to add another feather to my already overfull cap.
The People-Pleaser worried that my boss would be disappointed if I turned down his offer.
Little Miss FOMO cautioned that if I said no, the foregone opportunity might haunt me for the rest of my career.
And yet…I didn’t want to go. Not even a little bit.
First and foremost, I hate flying—so many lines, germs, uncomfortable seats, and human beings on their absolute worst behavior.
Also: I am terrified of falling out of the sky.
I’ll endure air travel in service of a fun vacation or whatnot, but at the time I didn’t relish the idea of showing up to work my day job in a distant city with a crick in my neck and a head cold I caught from the toddler in 7C.
I’m also not a huge fan of enforced schmoozing, which would have been a major component of this endeavor. Plus, I knew that if I took a weeklong jaunt to London, I’d end up behind on my day-to-day tasks back home in New York, with jet lag to boot.
Every fiber of my being wanted to shout NO THANKS!
But I wasn’t able to spit that out right away. I felt a ton of pressure to say yes, and all of this took place long before I became a semi-famous anti-guru and Mistress of No.
Still, I really hate flying. So instead, I begged a stay of execution by responding, “Thanks, I’ll have to think about it!”
(Not for nothing, this accidental delay tactic eventually became the #1 tip from my most popular post ever.)
A couple days later my boss asked if I’d made a decision; he needed an answer because if I couldn’t go, there were other colleagues vying for the opportunity. In a moment of either clarity or desperation (Have I mentioned how much I hate flying?), I took a deep breath and told him the truth:
No. No, I did not want to go.
Initially he seemed shocked that I—his on-staff embodiment of Reese Witherspoon’s character in Election—would turn down any chance to overachieve. So I pressed on, sharing all of the totally reasonable reasons why I didn’t want to go (see above), and concluded by saying that although I was very appreciative, I thought he should offer the trip to someone who would get just as much professional benefit from it and also certainly enjoy it more.
And you know what? HE WAS COOL WITH THAT.
He said that this was in no way a command performance, truly just an opportunity he’d wanted to extend to me. That if I’d had to say yes because my job depended on it, he wouldn’t have phrased it as an invitation in the first place. That he appreciated my honesty. And that if I wasn’t excited about it, it would be silly to go through the motions.
He even said he sometimes wished he could say no to work travel, and that he totally respected my gangsta.
Not in those exact words, but still.
So what did I learn, having emerged victorious from that anxious ordeal?
Realization #1
All those Yes-Men in my head weren’t trying to stop me from making the wrong choice. They were trying to sabotage my making the right choice for my mental, emotional, and physical health. Dicks.
Of course, I already knew that in theory, but it can be harder to accept and act upon in practice.
To that end, believe me, I understand that the prospect of saying no to your paycheck-provider can be scary. And alas, you may work for someone who you know, deep down in your cold black heart, will NOT respond well to being negged. I’ve been there (with a couple of superiors who were legit mean and one that was certifiably nutso), and it sucks, but that’s life.
On the other hand…
Realization #2
For the most part, my bosses have all been pretty decent—and more importantly, they have all been human. And until they start replacing middle-managers with AI, so is yours…which means they probably wish THEY could refuse THEIR boss sometimes too.
When you proceed with that rational assumption in mind, does it seem a little less scary to advocate for yourself?
I hope so.
Realization #3
You and I both know what we’re expected to do to earn our paychecks. If we’re asked to do more—especially if that ask is unreasonable, untenable, or simply undesirable—it’s okay to say no.
In a way, you’re saying YES to preserving the integrity of your working hours, during which you can accomplish the truly necessary stuff and have the time and space do it well. Heck, that itself is a marketable skill!
As long as you relay your regrets in an honest, polite, professional way, it’s entirely likely your boss will respect your gangsta.
I mean, who would you rather have on your team? “Honest, polite, and professional” or “Overachieving, people-pleasing pushover who doesn’t know how to prioritize?”
Just sayin’.
Become a VIF (Very Important Fuckling)
For 7+ years, everyone on my email list has received my free NFG Newsletter and occasional random AF musings, and I am thrilled to have you all here. Thank you for being among the original fucklings!
As you may know, last fall I added a paid option for those who want more (and more regular) dispatches from NFG HQ:
The “VIF” subscription includes weekly tips & advice, personal essays, full access to the comments and archive, and entry into my *new* private NFG chat.
You can upgrade at any time, though for what it’s worth, I have it on high authority that a certain deep discount is good only until the end of May...
Again though, I appreciate you being here in any capacity. Frankly, the idea that one single person cares to be on the receiving end of my sweary life advice and/or tales of my ungrateful trash cats and consumption of prestige TV—let alone many thousands of you—is WILD.
I hope you’ll continue to stick around, and perhaps join the VIF squad if and when your Fuck Budget allows you the time, energy, and money to do so.
We have fun.
Sarah
PS: If you want the VIF experience but can’t afford to upgrade at any cost, email me at contact@sarahknightbooks.com and we’ll work it out.
More on boundary-setting, in the workplace and beyond:
Perfect timing! I was just told about a team offsite in NYC in mid June. I don’t want to go, I don’t want to be in NYC in the summer nor do I care about seeing people in person that magically spread viruses because someone always gets sick at those.
I bloody love this. I said NO last week, it was fine, I felt good and I kicked those Yes-Men People-Pleasing Dicks to the kerb 🥳🥳🥳 (restacked with note for deets).