Zip Your Lips and Other Tips for Adulting Like a Pro
It's never too late to grow the fuck up (and have fun doing it).
My fabulous fucklings, did you know it has been ONE YEAR since my last book, Grow the Fuck Up, came out? Typically, in Sarah World that means there’s another one hot on its heels, but instead this year I took a burnout break and…started a weekly newsletter?
Hm. Perhaps I didn’t think that through.
Coincidentally, this week also marks SIX MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS of life-changing advice delivered straight to your inboxes. If you’re new here, check out the NFG archive for fun and practical tips drawn from my bestselling series of sweary self-help books, collectively known as the No F*cks Given® Guides. If you like what you find, I’d love to see you subscribe. We have fun here.
As for today, in honor of Grow the Fuck Up’s first birthday I’m offering a smattering of tips to help you get through life like the Total Fucking Grownup (TFG) I know you can be.
The book itself is divided into three parts: Maturity, Responsibility, and Accountability. Within those sections I discuss self-awareness and self-control, becoming more independent and dependable, and how to own up to your mistakes and step up to fix them.
(Oh: and learn from them SO YOU DON’T MAKE THEM AGAIN. Total pro-dult move.)
Here are a few nuggets of adulting advice from GTFU to get you started—or to share with a sibling, child, or ex who needs them more than you do. Lord knows they’re out there.
1) Silence is golden.
You already know you ought to be out there saying Please and Thank you—that’s Politeness 101. But a really neat grown-up trick is being polite without saying anything at all.
Think about it: Actual Babies babble and scream no matter who has the floor; Big Fucking Babies leave their ringers on during movies and talk over you in meetings; and even Theoretical Adults sometimes can't resist whispering to a neighbor. (WE CAN HEAR YOU, MARSHA.)
But Total Fucking Grownups? They’ve perfected the silent treatment: they don’t interrupt; they listen when others are speaking; sit still when people are performing; and zip their lips when Auntie Sarah is clearly pausing for effect and not looking for input from the crowd. (Much appreciated!)
This tip comes from the chapter called “Mind Your Manners,” and it is literally the easiest way to show off your adulting skills, show respect, and get respect in return.
All you have to do is...nothing.
2) Do you kiss Beyoncé with that mouth?
Speaking of showing respect, in the chapter called “Don’t you take that tone with me,” one of my tips for coping-slash-communicating like a TFG is to treat everyone the way you’d treat Queen Bey.
In other words, if you don’t think it would be wise to take that tone and use those words with Ms. Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, then don’t take/use them with your boss, boyfriend, professor, problem customer, that lady who cut you in line, the bouncer at the bar, or anyone else.
I’m telling you: you’ll catch more flies with honey in this one wild and precious life, and you’re also much less likely to get attacked by your sister-in-law in an elevator after the Met Gala.
3) Make a habit of it.
From the chapter titled “Noooo! I don’t wanna!”—I present to you a simple solution for making adulting easier and more pleasant on the daily: HABITS.
Habits help you optimize, solve for X, and make sucky things suck less.
For example, if you’re like me, you are absolutely useless in the morning. No shame in that game! But that’s why in our household we make it a habit to prepare the coffee maker the night before, so all I have to do is press a button in the a.m. to get that sweet, sweet caffeine headed for my system. Putting shit like this on autopilot means you can spend less time spilling coffee grounds all over the counter in your morning haze and more time sleeping.
BOOM: OPTIMIZED!
Or, if you’re the kind of person who’s always misplacing your keys, make it a habit to put them away in the same place every time you walk into the house, and carry them in the same pocket (of your pants or purse) when you go out.
CONGRATS, YOU SOLVED FOR X!
And when faced with the kinds of annoying adult tasks and responsibilities that you still have to take care of because, well, you’re the adult here, forming some good habits around them will ease your burden. I mean, you’re never going to feel like taking out the trash, but if you commit to doing it the moment the can is full, every time—instead of waiting until an old chicken carcass reanimates to beg you to put it out of its stinky misery—the task itself will be a lot more pleasant, every time.
WOO-HOO! WAY TO MAKE SUCKY THINGS SUCK LESS!
With this no-bullshit bible for the modern adult, you’ll become more self-aware, self-sufficient, and resourceful—and turn grownup responsibilities into exciting opportunities for making YOUR life easier and more fun. Packed with practical advice and pro-dult tips for everything from balancing your budget to impressing your in-laws, Grow the Fuck Up is the perfect guide for anyone—at any age—who wants to be an adult and get treated like one.
And that’ll do it for today, as I’m still traveling and have many urgent maters (aka dinners and shopping) to attend to during my three weeks in New York City.
After that it’s back home to the Dominican Republic, where I shall thaw my old bones and reconnect with my ungrateful trash cats, who definitely do not miss me as long as they’re being fed twice a day by a nice man named Will. (Which they are.)
See you on the flipside, and remember: keep giving fewer, better fucks and living your best life!
Fuck yeah!
The being silent is a good trick, too. We're always so busy thinking about what WE are going to say next that people can't get their entire thought out before we jump in with our response. Listen, then formulate the response. A few beats of silence will enhance any conversation.