I heard this recently ‘try your best’ and thought it an improvement on ‘do your best’. You try your best and it will vary depending on the situation you are in.
You want to aim for a high standard but also be resilient and know when to move on, a tricky balance!
I love this - so much good advice! ❤️ It made me think of something else I do to help myself with perfectionism, which is to break down my life into periods of time, and sort of accept that some bits would be more perfect than others. So, when my son was young, I knew it would be impossible to keep the house clean, (or anything clean really 🤣) but that when he got older, it would get easier again. So I just blocked out a 'messy period' in my head of about 6-8 years, which was fine because I knew it was only temporary. I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain a 'perfect' appearance during my undergraduate university years, because I would be really busy, and be eating junk and not getting my hair and nails done etc. lol. So I blocked out a three year 'fine to look scruffy' period, because I knew I could just get back into thinking about the way I looked (if I wanted to) once exams were over. Weird? Maybe - but it worked
I love this! I definitely need to work on mindful self-compassion for periods in life where I can’t (and cannot reasonably expect myself) to “do it all.” Remembering that I can always revert back to whatever baseline I’ve had to give up temporarily feels like a good strategy—thanks for sharing 😃
I have thought about this post way too much over the past week. At first, I thought about the premise of the post... about losing some of the toxic perfectionistic ways that I also relate to. I even forwarded it to one of my besties who also stresses out about this shit. But then I got mad. And thought - how did I get suckered into accidently reading and relating about why it's a common thread in women to find flaws with themselves over shit like this. Mad because it sounds like you are someone who is intentional with your space, which is not a flaw. Also, (I think) you are in a cis/het relationship, which means this was always going to be your job and your spouse would wonder why this bothers you so much and you wonder why it doesn't bother him and at the end of the day the "flaw" lands on you. Which is fucked up.
Bath towels (or whatever) consistently hung without regard in a place where it would make a difference is irritating.
Being a girl who gets berated and passed up for something because of a 97 vs 100 is a fucking reality.
Boys who not only can get by with less than that but can fucking excel with less than that is also a reality.
And yeah, guess who is the happiest person? The person who consistently had to do less to get more who doesn't have to be fucking vigilant about things because they have never had to be vigilant about things. That tracks.
Maybe you are not a perfectionist, maybe the other people in your life are goddamn lazy and they can be because there's always "someone" to pick up the invisible slack.
If you don't give a fuck about the bathtowels - great. But if your truth is that it makes your eyeballs itch less to have them straight, then the people who disagree/lazy/etc who are saying they don't care... well then they are really saying that they don't give a fuck about your peace. If they don't give a fuck about the bathtowels, then it won't be a hardship to tighten that ship up right?
I love that the post made you think so thoroughly about these issues, and I agree with you on a lot of the conclusions you’ve reached—though I should say for my husband’s sake that once we had The Towel Conversation, he absolutely changed his ways! That particular example was more about how he doesn’t even notice or care *for himself* whereas I really do notice and [unfortunately] really do care 😅 But in constantly battling my perfectionist tendencies, I’ve found that it’s helpful to figure out what is legitimately helpful/joyful for me (ie I like things tidy) versus what is just anxiety DISGUISED as perfectionism, or what could be me beating myself up over imperfections that are ultimately pretty meaningless. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy (even if usually, it’s the patriarchy 😜)!
I loved all of this, especially the Ina Garten advice. I go in and out of my perfectionist tendencies and lately have been so deep into them it’s actually alarming me so this was very timely.
We had either an 87 or an 88 cream/vanilla colored Maxima. It was the first “fancy” car my parents ever bought - we had a Corolla and a Vega, and before that a 1974 pea soup green Nova.
My ex husband’s therapist told him about making a GEM - good enough, man. That’s a hard one to accept, but I’m working on it.
Oh I am definitely the one who wouldn't notice the towel. Actually - I would maybe notice, immediately forget, and walk by it many times without doing anything. ADHD is fun!
I am a lifelong perfectionist. I am actually writing a post about how I've always felt like I came up just short of what I could achieve. I always knew something was keeping me from the big prizes, or the work I knew I was capable of. Letting go of that is HARD.
Ha, I'm definitely your husband in this scenario. Which probably explains why I mainly read your posts thinking fuck, why has it never occured to me that I should be giving a fuck about these things 🤣Love them though, they make me laugh A LOT
OMG the bath towels! I’ve been seething for years about how he never hangs it up straight, and yet I KNOW he drops things wherever and shoves things in drawers. This is a ME thing, I need to let go of this or do it for me (my own mild OCD), but without the anger.
Thank you for your service to humans, Sarah. I get so much relief from reading your reminders (as I think of them) about life and other people.💕
There is a lot of value in realizing when something is a "YOU" thing and not a "THEM" thing! If it turns out that it's really important to you, you can ask for courtesy and compromise, but often it turns out that it's *not* that important, and you can let it go, for both people's sake ;-) Thanks for reading!
Sending "Tip #3) Look around you" to five different people I work with because it's us (we need to look around lol).
We've also had this conversation before of how do these people survive in the real world???, but the fact is, they do because they come to work each day so *shrug
I heard this recently ‘try your best’ and thought it an improvement on ‘do your best’. You try your best and it will vary depending on the situation you are in.
You want to aim for a high standard but also be resilient and know when to move on, a tricky balance!
Totally! That’s a great way to think about it. What a difference a word makes 😃
I love this - so much good advice! ❤️ It made me think of something else I do to help myself with perfectionism, which is to break down my life into periods of time, and sort of accept that some bits would be more perfect than others. So, when my son was young, I knew it would be impossible to keep the house clean, (or anything clean really 🤣) but that when he got older, it would get easier again. So I just blocked out a 'messy period' in my head of about 6-8 years, which was fine because I knew it was only temporary. I knew I wouldn't be able to maintain a 'perfect' appearance during my undergraduate university years, because I would be really busy, and be eating junk and not getting my hair and nails done etc. lol. So I blocked out a three year 'fine to look scruffy' period, because I knew I could just get back into thinking about the way I looked (if I wanted to) once exams were over. Weird? Maybe - but it worked
I love this! I definitely need to work on mindful self-compassion for periods in life where I can’t (and cannot reasonably expect myself) to “do it all.” Remembering that I can always revert back to whatever baseline I’ve had to give up temporarily feels like a good strategy—thanks for sharing 😃
https://open.substack.com/pub/anonymousemama/p/permission-slip?r=47v0&utm_medium=ios
I have thought about this post way too much over the past week. At first, I thought about the premise of the post... about losing some of the toxic perfectionistic ways that I also relate to. I even forwarded it to one of my besties who also stresses out about this shit. But then I got mad. And thought - how did I get suckered into accidently reading and relating about why it's a common thread in women to find flaws with themselves over shit like this. Mad because it sounds like you are someone who is intentional with your space, which is not a flaw. Also, (I think) you are in a cis/het relationship, which means this was always going to be your job and your spouse would wonder why this bothers you so much and you wonder why it doesn't bother him and at the end of the day the "flaw" lands on you. Which is fucked up.
Bath towels (or whatever) consistently hung without regard in a place where it would make a difference is irritating.
Being a girl who gets berated and passed up for something because of a 97 vs 100 is a fucking reality.
Boys who not only can get by with less than that but can fucking excel with less than that is also a reality.
And yeah, guess who is the happiest person? The person who consistently had to do less to get more who doesn't have to be fucking vigilant about things because they have never had to be vigilant about things. That tracks.
Maybe you are not a perfectionist, maybe the other people in your life are goddamn lazy and they can be because there's always "someone" to pick up the invisible slack.
If you don't give a fuck about the bathtowels - great. But if your truth is that it makes your eyeballs itch less to have them straight, then the people who disagree/lazy/etc who are saying they don't care... well then they are really saying that they don't give a fuck about your peace. If they don't give a fuck about the bathtowels, then it won't be a hardship to tighten that ship up right?
I love that the post made you think so thoroughly about these issues, and I agree with you on a lot of the conclusions you’ve reached—though I should say for my husband’s sake that once we had The Towel Conversation, he absolutely changed his ways! That particular example was more about how he doesn’t even notice or care *for himself* whereas I really do notice and [unfortunately] really do care 😅 But in constantly battling my perfectionist tendencies, I’ve found that it’s helpful to figure out what is legitimately helpful/joyful for me (ie I like things tidy) versus what is just anxiety DISGUISED as perfectionism, or what could be me beating myself up over imperfections that are ultimately pretty meaningless. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy (even if usually, it’s the patriarchy 😜)!
I related to that Hemingway story way too much.
It’s a disease 😂
Thank you! Lowering the bar and thinking “eh, good enough” is a constant struggle. It’s getting a little easier with time, but never flat-out easy.
It’s a daily struggle! But I agree, for me, aging has helped 👵🏻
I loved all of this, especially the Ina Garten advice. I go in and out of my perfectionist tendencies and lately have been so deep into them it’s actually alarming me so this was very timely.
I’m glad it found you when you needed it!
We had either an 87 or an 88 cream/vanilla colored Maxima. It was the first “fancy” car my parents ever bought - we had a Corolla and a Vega, and before that a 1974 pea soup green Nova.
My ex husband’s therapist told him about making a GEM - good enough, man. That’s a hard one to accept, but I’m working on it.
My dad’s Maxima was white! With that brown suede interior…I can still smell it 😅
Oh I am definitely the one who wouldn't notice the towel. Actually - I would maybe notice, immediately forget, and walk by it many times without doing anything. ADHD is fun!
I am a lifelong perfectionist. I am actually writing a post about how I've always felt like I came up just short of what I could achieve. I always knew something was keeping me from the big prizes, or the work I knew I was capable of. Letting go of that is HARD.
Ha, I'm definitely your husband in this scenario. Which probably explains why I mainly read your posts thinking fuck, why has it never occured to me that I should be giving a fuck about these things 🤣Love them though, they make me laugh A LOT
Thank you for reading!
Did you really not proof this?! My inner perfectionist is alarmed/impressed! No mistakes detected by me! 👏👏😉
I really didn’t…but of course I read it again this morning after it posted, hunting for typos 😂
OMG the bath towels! I’ve been seething for years about how he never hangs it up straight, and yet I KNOW he drops things wherever and shoves things in drawers. This is a ME thing, I need to let go of this or do it for me (my own mild OCD), but without the anger.
Thank you for your service to humans, Sarah. I get so much relief from reading your reminders (as I think of them) about life and other people.💕
There is a lot of value in realizing when something is a "YOU" thing and not a "THEM" thing! If it turns out that it's really important to you, you can ask for courtesy and compromise, but often it turns out that it's *not* that important, and you can let it go, for both people's sake ;-) Thanks for reading!
Sending "Tip #3) Look around you" to five different people I work with because it's us (we need to look around lol).
We've also had this conversation before of how do these people survive in the real world???, but the fact is, they do because they come to work each day so *shrug
😂