5 Tips for Calming the Fuck Down While the World Falls Apart

Self-help gurus have panic attacks too.

Happy Monday, my little fucklings! Or, you know, happy-ish, depending on which global disaster(s) you can’t stop thinking, reading, or getting texts from political candidates about.

Not to diminish the gravity of any one of the ongoing crises, but if you watch the news lately (or even just scroll through your socials) it seems like every continent is seeing fascism, airborne contagion, and sea levels on the rise—not to mention icebergs, honeybees, and civil liberties on the decline. And I don’t know if there’s actually more war, pestilence, extreme weather, and alarming cultural regression going on than ever before, but I do know we’re more aware of it, because technology has seen to it that humans can’t go a millisecond without mainlining the latest hit of gloom and/or doom.

But I digress. I’m here to make you feel BETTER, not send you diving under the duvet for the rest of the year.

So today I thought I’d share some strategies that help me calm the fuck down when the going gets tough—and you know they work, because I’m about as panicked over the collection of existential crises standing in line to sound the death knell of humanity as it gets!

Hopefully my go-to methods will help you too. Or at least give you a four-minute reading break between doomscrolls, which is a good start.

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5 tips for calming the fuck down while the world falls apart

Tip #1: Limit your exposure

You needn’t be info-gathering over breakfast, on the toilet, astride an exercise bike, during your commute, AND right before going to sleep (or trying to go to sleep, at any rate).

A once-or-twice-per-day news dump should be sufficient to keep you in the know without also keeping your blood pressure higher than Snoop Dogg. And honestly, unless your job security rests on staying abreast of world events, you don’t even have to do that. This excellent piece by Leyla Kazim makes a persuasive argument that “no news” is in fact, the best news of all.

Tip #2: Strike a balance

If you simply can’t find your way around the 24-hour news cycle, then for every outlet or journalist you follow, try adding a palliative account to the mix. I used to get a kick out of PépitoTheCat on Twitter, which was just time-stamped black and white footage of some cat in France coming and going through his cat door, accompanied by the captions “Pépito is out” or “Pépito is back home.” I would scroll through Pépito’s feed to zone out before bed; it was like counting sheep, but instead you’re counting the same French cat over and over again.

Très relaxing.

Anyway, since I am no longer on that blasted Hellsite, I don’t know if Pépito is either, but over on Instagram, the nosenekoshiro account combines two of my favorite things: cats, and stuff on cats’ heads. I also follow awhalefact for reliable LOLs, and I will watch any organizing ASMR video The Home Edit ladies throw at me.

Drop your favorite soothing socials in the comments!

Tip #3: Bone up

It seems counterintuitive, but doing a deep dive into whatever single current event is giving you the biggest case of the Freaky Fridays (er, Manic Mondays?) may help vanquish some of your more paranoid fantasies.

For example, when I was originally writing these tips to include in my book Calm the Fuck Down, it was 2018, and according to the mainstream media, the US had narrowly escaped going to nuclear war with North Korea. As a child of the 1980’s, I’d already seen a few seasons of “lying awake at night with visions of mushroom clouds dancing in my head,” and I wasn’t longing for a reboot of that franchise. Fortunately, as a forty-something adult, I had the capacity to do something about it.

In this case, what I did was the reading.

Researching how the “nuclear football” actually works—and learning that a certain orange howler monkey would have to memorize a quantity of detailed information in order to launch an attack—did wonders for a certain someone’s ability to stop worrying about that particular Presidential faux pas coming to pass.

You can do the same in re: whatever global events are keeping YOU up at night. (Just make sure you’re conducting your research via reputable sources, not Uncle Gary’s Whiskey-Time YouTube channel.)

Tip #4: Take a memo

Drafting an impassioned letter to a global leader, a local representative—or, say, a collective body of repugnant dick weasels who’ve got their weasel-paws all up in your reproductive freedom—can really get the mad out of you. I know this from experience!

Also, journaling is scientifically proven to help calm you down by getting all those burning, churning thoughts out of your head and onto the page. You don’t even have to send your angry missive to reap the benefits of having written it, but for the cost of a stamp it might be a nice bonus to know it’ll reach its intended target.

Or at least clutter their inboxes. Weasels.

Tip #5: Do good

When I’m feeling powerless, one thing that brings me comfort is donating to a good cause, whether it’s a global relief fund, a local charity, or just a single person who needs a helping hand. Is this my economic privilege talking? Sure, but if it makes me feel better and helps someone less fortunate, all I see is a two-for-one special on good deeds.

But if you’re as low on funds as you are on expectations for achieving world peace any time soon, remember that “giving” needn’t require a cash outlay. You have other resources at your disposal. You could spend some time and energy checking in on elderly relatives during chaotic times, or calling on your legislators to demand clean water, a living wage, or a cease-fire. If you’ve read a great book or listened to a smart podcast that amplifies a cause you believe in, take a moment to share it with someone you think would appreciate it. Or at least leave the creator a nice review; those alone are a balm for the soul!

More ideas: Compliment a stranger’s outfit. (Just not in a creepy way, please.) Shovel your neighbor’s walk when you’re out doing yours anyway. (Aren’t you a doll!) Bring your leftover birthday cake to the office. (I cannot overstate how much joy there is to be had in both dispensing and consuming free cake.)

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A bit about me: I spent 15 years as a book editor in NYC before quitting that career to pursue a freelance life (a decision that involved a lot of red wine and a lot of tears). In 2015 I had the idea for my first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. And people loved it, so I kept writing! Today my sweary self-help series includes Get Your Shit Together, Calm the Fuck Down, Grow the Fuck Up, and more, with 3 million copies in print all over the world. You can also find me on Instagram, where my content skews tropical (in addition to quitting my job, I quit New York entirely and moved to a small fishing village in the Dominican Republic), plus food, cocktails, travel, and cats. So many cats.