A Gentle Fucking Reminder
Do it because you WANT to, not because you think you HAVE to.
Lately I’ve had a few conversations with friends about the concept of “obligation”—specifically, why it is that they are so beholden to the idea that, well, they are beholden to others.
Like, that they “have to” accept an inconvenient or unwanted dinner invitation just because the host did something nice for them a while back.
Or that they “have to” use a friend’s company, even though it’s not as good as the alternative.
Have to. I fucking hate those two little words—don’t you?
But moreover, I think the “have-to” mindset is actively unhealthy. It’s basically asking to be overcommitted and overwhelmed, and oh hey, let’s throw in a burst of frustration and a soupcon of simmering resentment while we’re at it? That’ll do wonders for your buddy Steve’s fledgling landscaping business!
No, my fine feathered fucklings, the concept of “owing” anybody your time, energy, money, expertise, generosity, or attention—unless we are explicitly talking about a goods/services rendered type arrangement that you went into with your eyes wide open—is just plain silly.
I encourage you to break yourselves of the have-to habit.
You owe a client the work that they paid for.
You owe the library the volunteer hours you signed up for.
You owe Steve twenty dollars for pizza the other night. Don’t forget to Venmo him, ‘kay?
But—and as per the subtitle of my first book—you are in no way obligated to spend time/energy/money you don’t have, with/for people you don’t like1, doing things you don’t want to do. You don’t owe anybody any of that.
And yes, this goes for family, too.
OHMYGODYOUARENOTOBLIGATEDTODOSHITWITHANDFORYOURFAMILYJUSTBECAUSETHEYAREYOURFAMILY.
Ahem.
For example, a few years ago, my extremely smart, talented, and hard-working sister-in-law pivoted careers from fashion to interior design. Before she had her official shingle out, my husband and I hired her to handle a project for us, which would give her some practice and results she could then share with future prospective clients.
We did not hire her because she’s our SIL and we felt like we had to. We hired her because we were sure she’d do a great job, and—BONUS—we wanted to help her out.
Folks, the keyword here is “want.”
You should feel free to do nice things for people because you really want to. Go nuts!2
You can also do stuff that you’re not necessarily super jazzed about, because you recognize the value in helping when you’re capable, available, and/or can afford to do so when other people aren’t or can’t.
That’s how we foster community, bitches!
But doing stuff only or primarily because you feel obligated? Not cool, for the reasons listed above and then some.
And regarding family, please don’t get me wrong. If you are the kind of person who genuinely believes, accepts, and finds comfort in the idea that your genetic or by-marriage links provide you with a built-in set of “ride or dies” for whom you are always happy to drop everything and do whatever—that’s lovely.
You are a lovely person.
However—and I’m just spit-balling here—perhaps not every member of your familial circle necessarily feels the same way? And they (or you, if we are indeed talking about you here) are entitled to those differences of opinion on whether family automatically equals obligation, now and forever.
They—or you—are allowed to set boundaries against an unwanted or unwarranted sense of obligation, and say things like:
“Alas, I’m not available!”
“I’m sorry, but that [time/date/scenario] doesn’t work for me.”
“I wish I could help you out here, but I can’t.”
“Are you sure you can’t find someone else to dog-sit? Because, as you know from growing up in the same house together for eighteen years, I am PROFOUNDLY allergic to fur.”
Woof.
Again, family or otherwise, they (or you) aren’t just setting boundaries to be bitchy or mean or difficult.
They/you are doing it to protect their/your time/energy/money/sanity/etc.
They/you are also doing it to prevent a situation where they/you wind up doing things out of a sense of obligation and potentially resenting the person who asked/expected them/you to do it, having a terrible time, causing others to have a terrible time because they/you can’t mask their/your annoyance…you get the picture.
Boundaries are good for all involved. I promise.
But finally, if you’re still having trouble picking up what I’m putting down, think about it this way:
Would you want others to feel obligated to YOU—as though they have to say yes to your dinner party just because you did that nice thing for them a while back (and with only the purest of intentions, I might add)—even though it would be really inconvenient or otherwise difficult/annoying/impractical/unpleasant for them to attend?
I thought not.
Anyway, lord knows I’ve written plenty about obligation (see below), but the convos I had this week reminded me that for many of us, it’s an ongoing battle.
So consider this a gentle fucking reminder to get you back on track:
YOU. DON’T. OWE. ANYBODY. ANYTHING.
And you can absolutely tell ‘em I said so.
For further thoughts on obligation—including my “Can I? Should I? Must I? Will I?” framework, complete with lots of real-life examples AND a fabulous flowchart—check out the post below:
If you suddenly feel like saying no to a party or other invitation (hmm, I wonder what could have given you that impulse?), then you are in luck!
And if you desire EVEN MORE thorough instruction on how to set and enforce your boundaries like a pro, I’ve got you covered. The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck and Fuck No! will provide all the inspiration and ammunition you need…
Or, frankly, even ones you like very much! STILL NOT OBLIGATED.
And do them out of the goodness of your heart, without expecting anything in return. Boop.
This post came at exactly the right time! I was just stuck in an internal debate about a birthday party for a family friend's baby - and I've never even met this baby!
Brilliant.