Happy Friday, my favorite fucklings! With so many new subscribers up in this piece, I thought it would be nice for you to get to know the gal you’re dealing with here at NFG HQ.
So go ahead, ask me anything: about my life, my first career as a book editor, my current job as an author, what I write about in my books, what you can expect from me here on
(and/or feel free to tell me what you WANT to see from me here), my astrological sign, my cats, which era George Clooney I think is Hottest George Clooney, my favorite [insert whatever], or anything else that tickles your pickle.
I’ll be hopping on to answer as many Q’s as I can throughout the weekend (and I might have some for YOU, too)…
Note: In the future, most discussion threads will be open only to paid subscribers. If you’re already in the paid zone, expect an email from me on Sunday the 22nd with the first of your exclusive perks! Anyone can upgrade here at any time.
Thanks for the great questions, everyone! Since nobody took the bait this weekend, I'll put a button on this thread with a potentially controversial statement: In my opinion, Facts of Life-era George Clooney is Hottest George Clooney.
I would say "fight me in the comments," but the AMA is closed for now. Maybe next time ;-)
Thank you for your reply! The book contains gems. Easy to read and easy to apply. I'm constantly reminding myself about my ABCs, whilst teaching my 4yo hers. I will be buying more copies for a select few people who I love enough to share the wisdom with. Also, I'm glad to hear that you are recovering and healing.
Good evening Sarah Knight. First off, I had sent you a message a message on your website ages ago, but I will say again, Thank You for the term "Fuck Budget." It's a game-changer! I'm a therapist who carries a sign in her office that reads, "Swearing, because sometimes gosh darn and meanie head just don't cover it." ^_^ My clients love it and I was introduced to your books by one of my clients. I have also recommended your books to them.
I think it's so important to not be bogged down by strong emotions when writing the word, "Fuck" on a piece of paper or heck, screaming out the word will release so much annoyance and make room to gather back your energy.
I guess this isn't really a question, but just to say, thank you. ^_^
Thank YOU. And wow, I appreciate you recommending the books to your therapy clients - that is a *huge* vote of confidence in what I do. I appreciate it!
Are there things that were unexpected about moving to the Dominican Republic? It's an awesome and intimidating achievement, and I'm imagining there were parts you expected to be hard that were (or weren't?) but also other bits you didn't expect at all.
Love the books, working hard on giving less (and more worthwhile) fucks 😊
Oops, I missed this question until now! There were lots of unexpected things, for sure. We'd visited the town a few times before moving here, but definitely not enough to really know how everything works. One of the most unanticipated challenges for me was that, as a good American worker bee, I'd been trained to cram my errands and personal stuff in during lunchtime - or, say, be available to run home and let a plumber or electrician into the apartment. But this town takes the lunchtime break very seriously, and there's so much you CAN'T get done in the middle of the day. (Plus, every business has a different definition of "lunchtime." The pet store I go to doesn't reopen until 3:00pm!) It can be frustrating, but it's also been good for me to experience this kind of "enforced break" and be reminded that not every hour of every day is about checking something off of my to-do list. (Same with Sundays...NOBODY is working on Sunday here unless they are in hospitality, and even then, a lot of places are closed. It gives me a useful weekly reminder that I, too, could just be resting or lying on the beach or just doing anything other than "being productive.") When I moved here from Brooklyn 8 years ago, I knew I was purposefully seeking a more relaxed pace of life...I just got a little more than I bargained for in some ways.
Thanks for your note about the books - I'm glad they speak to you!
Ooh, fun question! We just started LUPIN, season 3 on Netflix! I love this show - an extremely clever suspense/mystery that never gets too gory, is fast-paced and with high stakes, has a sense of humor, and the lead actor, Omar Sy, is incredible.
We're also watching THE MORNING SHOW on Apple+ and looking forward to starting LESSONS IN CHEMISTRY (also on Apple+). But if you're a Netflix loyalist, I highly recommend PEAKY BLINDERS, THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT, and BETTER CALL SAUL (which I much preferred to BREAKING BAD)...
I love your books especially GYST and Grow The Fuck Up, and find them helpful and hilarious.
GYST has many suggestions for creating habits and goals. But, what strategy would you use for giving up a bad habit e.g. cigarettes, alcohol, coca cola or junk food.
Thank you! I'm especially happy to hear you enjoyed GROW THE F*CK UP, which was really hard for me to write (because of extreme burnout + depression, not because of the topic), and for a long time I thought it was probably terrible and I'd lost my ability to write a book. Now I know that's not true, but every time someone sends me a note about that one, it makes my day :-)
Now to your question! I think of breaking bad habits the exact same way as setting good ones. First you have to identify the problem - aka set your goal - which is where the What/Why Method from GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER COMES IN:
Ask yourself, WHAT is wrong with my life? (Ex: I feel like crap all the time.)
Then ask yourself, WHY? (Ex: I'm drinking too much soda and the sugar is wreaking havoc on my body.)
Those answers will bring you to your goal, in this case "cutting back on soda."
(And BTW, this is not a value judgment on anyone's food/beverage consumption; just a thought experiment based on one of your examples above. I've been known to eat a bag of Nacho Cheese Munchies and a martini for dinner far more often than is advisable.)
So, WHAT/WHY is a simple way to identify a problem; then you have to attack it. Since you've read GROW THE F*CK UP, you know my thoughts on getting *into* a habit, namely:
Step 1: Identify the problem (aka set your goal)
Step 2: Implement a solution (aka stop buying soda at the grocery store, start asking for iced tea at restaurants, commit to being mindful of your cravings and don't replace them with other sugary foods, etc.)
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 until it's no longer "Step 2" but just "A thing you do!"
In other words: one day at a time, one action at a time. Which is of course standard advice for a lot of the "bad habits" you mention above that also happen to have addiction at their root. I'm not qualified to advise people more thoroughly on quitting drugs & alcohol (or binge eating, for that matter), but I do think that almost everything in life is easier to manage and less overwhelming when taken in small steps
Hello Sarah Knight, in working with people I recently had been asked about hugging. I explained that I do give hugs if is needed put I do not force the idea of someone does not want one. Further I explained that it is about knowing body language and being comfortable in saying 'NO' if you don't want one. What would you say if someone wanted a hug and you did not want to give it? Even more awkwardly you are surrounded by friends and don't want to make a scene. How might you handle this? And thanks ahead of time.
It's funny you should ask me this question, because my husband actually bought me a t-shirt a few years ago with a picture of a cactus on it that says "NOT A HUGGER." Interestingly, the culture where I have lived for the last 8 years (in the Dominican Republic) is very big on a "hug and two cheek kisses" for almost any greeting, with anyone, whether you know them well or not. I think it has to do with the heavy European influence in this particular town, but anyway...I participated in it for a long time with varying degrees of discomfort, but once the pandemic happened I promised myself a "reset" of sorts. It was easier to just offer an elbow or fist bump (or no contact at all!) under the guise of "I'm still a little freaked out by Covid," but really I just wanted to get out of the habit of submitting to the hugging and kissing! In general I don't like to make physical contact with people on a casual basis (see: the cactus t-shirt), and although I've noticed that some people think I'm being "weird" or "standoffish," I simply do not care. At this point, if anyone decides to "make a scene" as you put it, I would just tell them that trying to force a hug with someone who doesn't want to give/receive one says a lot more about them than it does about me. Hope that helps!
Thank you for your candid response and willingness to share a side of you that may otherwise be private. I took have noticed that the Islanders tend to be more huggy. I have several friends from Hawaii and they love to express themselves with hugs! Good luck with this for you in the future.
I have a little more than 10,000 total subscribers at the moment - but the majority of those were people who I brought over to this platform from my Mailchimp list (and before that, my TinyLetter), so it's an audience I've been growing bit by bit for at least 7 years. And only a very small number have "gone paid" since I moved to Substack about a week-and-a-half ago. I'm figuring it out just like you are!
One thing that's helped me organizationally speaking is that whenever I have to learn how to do something (like "starting a discussion thread"), I search the Substack site for the relevant instructions, and then I email that link to myself and file it in my "Substack how-to" folder in my email program so I don't have to Google it all over again when I inevitably forget how it works.
And I've been reading lots of other people's Substacks for a couple of years, noticing what they do and how they do it, how their posts make me feel, which ones I'm motivated to share and why - and then I think about all of that when I'm planning my own posts. Here are three completely different publications that I love on this platform, none of which are in my own wheelhouse, but all of which have taught me different things about what works and how to approach it:
Oh I remember those days... Fortunately, most of my friends' kids now are older, so we're back to being able to have more adult conversations and fewer toddler interruptions. But 8 years ago when my husband and I decided to leave Brooklyn and move to a little fishing village in the Dominican Republic, one of the factors was that we weren't seeing a lot of our friends at that time because so many of them were busy with starting a family, and we felt like we weren't going to be missing out on as much of a social life as we'd enjoyed in NYC in our 20's. Plus, we could invite the parents to come visit us down here when they needed a break from their kiddos!
That's an extreme example of saying that my way of "not GAF" about these situations is by consciously taking myself OUT of them. I don't expect a friend whose life revolves around their amazing precious child (or sleepless, colicky newborn) to NOT talk about it all the time. I acknowledge that parenting can be all-consuming, and I do very much GAF about my friends' happiness and wellbeing, so I'm truly thrilled for all of those who wanted kids and had them and whose lives are now inextricably linked to the little fuckers' every word and deed. I set my own boundaries in terms of my exposure to all that, so my friends don't have to tiptoe around me and so that the time we do spend together is free from any resentment or eye-rolling - on either side. As far as I know, it's working. Maybe some of my parent-friends privately diss on me for being so firmly anti-wanting-to-spend-time-with-their-kids, but as far as I know I haven't lost any friendships over it, and many of my parent pals have gotten a sweet tropical vacay out of the deal ;-)
PS: I should also acknowledge that I know I'm incredibly fortunate to be "childfree by choice" - meaning that I always knew I didn't want kids, I was never the least bit conflicted about that decision, and I wound up with a partner who was on board with it. Not everyone, whether they do or do not become a parent, for whatever reason, is nearly so lucky.
First, thank you for your books which make me laugh & think. I have a couple in both hardback and audiobook format.
Now the question: are you an active part of an expat community (ghetto) in the Dominican Republic? Or you’ve integrated more with locals? Or is it more that you happen to live on that beach? Or something else completely? I’m guessing its a complicated question, and maybe one you have no fucks for? Regards from Downunder 👍
So glad to hear the books have entertained you, thanks! As to my life in Las Terrenas, DR, let me see if I can paint a picture...
I've heard that a full 25% of the population of this town are French expats who started coming over 30+ years ago and beginning its transition from rural fishing village to low-key vacation destination. (There is a thriving Airbnb culture, but no giant resorts here like in Punta Cana; there are laws against those. The closest we have to that is a Viva Wyndham about 25 minutes outside of town, and that's the only big hotel I know of.) Another 10% of the population are Italian expats; and then you've got the locals and all the rest of us from all over the world. As you'd imagine, that means there are a lot of French and Italian businesses in addition to local Dominican ones, and we frequent them all.
I would say our core friend group definitely skews toward Canadians, Brits, and Americans (although almost all of them are retirees, so my husband and I bring the average age down by a lot, LOL). But we have many friends of many nationalities here: Dominican, Haitian, Argentinian, Peruvian, French, Italian, Polish, etc. The language barrier certainly makes it easier to socialize with other English speakers, but my husband and I learned Spanish in order to live here and we use it daily in the grocery store, restaurants, pharmacy, mechanic, hardware store, etc. We could get by without it, but we feel it's respectful to learn and use the local language if you're able. Plus, we have Dominican friends who speak little or no English, and other foreign friends whose language WE don't speak, but THEY speak Spanish, so it becomes our default communication with them. (My husband was in a band for a few years with a Belgian guy and a French guy and between them they spoke like 6 languages, but Spanish was the only one they all shared!)
If I've learned anything from living here, it's that Americans by and large are woefully undereducated when it comes to language skills (because it's not a priority in American schools) whereas many European countries make learning English (and more languages) compulsory, which gives them a huge advantage in life, in so many ways.
I'm not sure if this answers your question, but that's kind of the big picture of my life down here. Feel free to ask a follow-up!
Fascinating, Sarah. Thanks for answering. It sounds like a common language is most relevant to integration... It also sounds like Las Terenas is far from a ‘typical’ DR town (whatever that might be... I’m woefully ignorant about the geography of the other side of the world. Also my side of the world, actually.)
What percentage roughly of the community are locals from before the low key tourist influx? I mean if 40% are French or Italian, and there’s a fair number of Anglosphere origin? I guess I’m comparing it to (maybe) Fiji where there are Passifika Fijians, Indian/Subcontinental origin Fijians, and Antipodean expats, and a smattering of Eurpoean or north American expats, with various layers of cooperation and resentment depending on circumstances and events?
Well, those demographics I mentioned are just based on what I've heard, so I'm not completely sure, but in my experience it seems to make sense that over half of town is still local Dominicans. And there are lots of surrounding municipalities that are vastly more "local" over "expat." I don't really know what a typical DR town is, because I haven't visited a lot of them - I'm a homebody at heart! Santo Domingo, the capital, is as busy and smoggy and crowded as a lot of major world cities; Punta Cana is practically one giant resort; and Las Terrenas is a quaint beach town experiencing quite an explosion of growth since the pandemic. (The DR was relatively cheap and easy to get to after official lockdowns ended, and the government used it as an opportunity to boost tourism...so now we have a million condo complexes being built and I'm hoping the infrastructure can keep up with it all...) We've been here for 8 years and they just paved our road, so I think that puts us squarely between "rural outpost" and "Punta Cana" :-P
I also just have to add, I bloody love your books and I will never ever forget your first book and your “Santa sack of fucks to give”!! The best book I have ever read that I’ve since bought others copies of :) you’re a legend!
Thank you so much for your reply. I absofuckinglutely need to set more boundaries and nip those “kiddo” talks in the bud so it doesn’t drive me insane. I wish all women who have kids remember that they’re also a person and has a life once without kids! :)
I am a frequent user of the beloved F word. I find it extremely useful in self-expression or when using anything other than, simply would not do it justice. Having said that, how did you reach a point of such self-awareness so as to (apparently) have not one more fucks to give? Can you expound on that for those of us who might be teetering on having many versus having very few left to give. Thank you in advance.
Expound, I shall! This is a two-part answer: 1) I've always been very self-aware. A couple of years ago a friend of mine from 5th grade (who I hadn't seen or spoken to since she moved away in 6th grade), found me on Instagram and told me she had been following my work and it was all exactly like she remembered me from when we were 10. Ha!
2) In terms of *acting* on my no-fucks-left-to-give feelings in a major, tangible way, that took until I was in my mid/late 30's. I had such extreme burnout, anxiety, and depression - which I ultimately realized was due to my job - that I had to either rein in my Fuck Budget or risk being completely miserable forever. For me, that meant realizing I wasn't cut out to work in a corporate environment and deciding to take the scary risk of going freelance to work for myself. Desperation is a strong motivator! Hopefully the books I've written since then can help other people become more self-aware and make necessary life changes long before they need to have a panic attack in their office in front of all of their coworkers :-P
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve read and reread your books and I’m proud to announce I’ve been using “No” like I’m Oprah on her Oprah’s Favorite Things. But……
Two weeks ago another team made this complete BS recommendation that would have caused total burnout and probably wouldn’t have worked. I told people no several ways, prepared slide decks, wrote a long word doc all explaining my No and sooooo this week… drum 🥁 roll please…. I told my boss very kindly that one way or another there was no way I was going to do the work. And that he was free to take from that whatever he’d like.
All of a sudden leaders understood my “no.”
How do you get people to understand “No” so you don’t have to make such a bold statement?
First of all: PROUD OF YOU. Amazing work out there. (And thanks for reading the books!) Second: sometimes, some people just need the bold statement. In other words, it's not you; it's them! Your job is simply to be aware of who those people are and deal with them accordingly, so you can save yourself the time and energy spent on all those PowerPoints and individual conversations. (Same goes for friend and family issues too BTW; it's really a case-by-case basis in terms of who in your life may need a faster/firmer "No way and here's why.")
My advice is to use this as a learning experience and adjust your strategy with this person (or these types of people in general) going forward. Does that help?
What do you see yourself offering to men that is different from what women enjoy most about your content? I’m a guy and I’ve been enjoying your ‘stack for a couple of weeks. But sometimes I’m kind of feeling like the guy that arrives at the wrong awesome party and casually looks for his friends for a while before he realizes it. If it’s a fucking chick thing, that’s fine. Just don’t tell anyone I had to ask.
The short answer is: my content is for everyone! (Or at least I try hard to design it that way; maybe I'm not always successful.) Longer answer: The further I got into writing my books (there are 6 full-length ones now), the more carefully I've thought about making sure my advice or the sample scenarios I pose can appeal to people of different ages, gender, socioeconomic status, professional or creative fields, etc. It's really important to me that, as often as possible, as many people as possible feel seen and helped by what I'm doing. The first book began as a parody of Marie Kondo's tidying guide, and it took on such a life of its own as a self-help book that I feel a huge responsibility to, you know, ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE. And I'm sure I have blind spots, but I'm always trying to eliminate them.
Also: not for nothing, but SO much of my work and the tips & strategies that come out of it involves drilling down to basic, near-universal tenets of behavior that almost anyone ought to be able to at least try to learn to adopt, regardless of their age/gender/finances/etc. The rest is F-bombs and extra credit ;-)
All of that said, I'm glad you feel comfortable asking this question, and I'm sure you're not alone in wondering. I think it's safe to say that "boundaries" *tend* to be more of a problem for women than for men across cultures, so perhaps the stuff I do in that vein feels less relevant to you? (Fear not! There's plenty more non-boundary-related NFG advice where that came from!) I also think that because of the way my book jackets were originally designed in both the US/Can & UK/Aus/NZ, they probably appealed to a more "feminine" audience - and while I absolutely love being a loud, proud voice for women everywhere, it drives me absolutely bonkers that certain *other* gurus with neon covers and sans serif font seem to be capturing a larger male audience than I may see in my lifetime... In other words: Tell your friends!
And feel free to tell me more about what you'd like to get from my stuff; maybe I've addressed it elsewhere and can point you in the right direction, or maybe you'll give me inspiration for something new.
Oh, you flatter me! I've never used a voice coach (and I CANNOT sing), but my husband (who is an extraordinary singer), has always said my speaking voice is one of the reasons he fell in love with me, so I guess I got lucky on multiple fronts :-) Good vocals came in handy when I narrated my own audiobooks and started the NFG podcast, but in terms of any "skill" beyond my speaking voice, I will say that before I started the recording process for my first book, I asked one of my friends who's a professional narrator if he had any tips, and my husband too, since he's experienced with a microphone. (Most important tip: don't drink carbonated beverages before you record. Burping is a real professional hazard.) Thanks for this fun question! FYI: I'll be adding audio elements for paid subscribers to my Substack in the coming weeks, as soon as I figure out how to work the tech (see prior Q&A on "personal successes," LOL).
I have to ask, the itunes podcast of your nfg guides - there hasn’t been one in a while so either itunes is bad, or…quite possibly, you’d just been too busy? I’m hoping it’s the latter (because you’re allowed to be busy of course) as I love them!
Alas, you are correct. I did one "season" (about 25 episodes) of the NFG podcast thinking it was going to be a permanent thing...and then I realized what an insane amount of work and time it took to create and record and edit a 45-minute weekly show (and that was with the help of a production company!). I knew I would never be able to write another book if I kept up the podcast, so I decided to give it up. I'm hoping to create some audio elements here on Substack that will appeal to people who miss the pod, but won't be as onerous for me to create and keep up with!
Great question - and my answer has definitely changed over time. In my 20's and early 30's, making money and receiving external validation (like promotions at work) felt like THE definition of success. I think both of those were a holdover from my childhood, partly because my parents (both public school teachers) were not well-off - although I acknowledge that our financial situation was certainly a lot better than many people's. Relatively speaking though, I knew what it was like to not have enough money, to feel the stress on the household, to see credit cards declined, etc., and finances became a leading indicator of "success" in my young mind. I was also a top student, ambitious and overachieving, dangerously perfectionist (hindsight is 20/20), and derived a strong sense of purpose and self-worth from my straight-A's and all that; so once I was in the working world, it makes sense that professional accolades also felt like "success." And all of that still applies to some extent, but now I have a few more niche versions. For example, a "successful day" for me is one where I feel good in both body and mind; I got a good night's sleep (all too rare in my mid-40s!); I don't have anxiety symptoms; maybe I get some work done but ALSO do something nice for myself. A discrete "success" is when a reader DMs me a story about how my books really helped them, or me being able to figure out how to do something that's hard for me, usually to do with technology, LOL. In sum: the older I've gotten and the more life experiences I've accumulated, the more appreciation I've developed for the good ones, large and small. As my mindset has shifted, my definition of "success" has also expanded to include more than those big and external ones I can't really control (like how much someone *else* thinks I'm worth) to ones that feel like true personal victories. How about you?
For me, success is being a hero. It’s saving people and myself from things that aren’t meant for us. Right now I am a senior in high school and applying to college, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the rest of my life. I want to be a hero, and I believe that for me, that is being successful.
Thanks for the great questions, everyone! Since nobody took the bait this weekend, I'll put a button on this thread with a potentially controversial statement: In my opinion, Facts of Life-era George Clooney is Hottest George Clooney.
I would say "fight me in the comments," but the AMA is closed for now. Maybe next time ;-)
Thank you for your reply! The book contains gems. Easy to read and easy to apply. I'm constantly reminding myself about my ABCs, whilst teaching my 4yo hers. I will be buying more copies for a select few people who I love enough to share the wisdom with. Also, I'm glad to hear that you are recovering and healing.
Good evening Sarah Knight. First off, I had sent you a message a message on your website ages ago, but I will say again, Thank You for the term "Fuck Budget." It's a game-changer! I'm a therapist who carries a sign in her office that reads, "Swearing, because sometimes gosh darn and meanie head just don't cover it." ^_^ My clients love it and I was introduced to your books by one of my clients. I have also recommended your books to them.
I think it's so important to not be bogged down by strong emotions when writing the word, "Fuck" on a piece of paper or heck, screaming out the word will release so much annoyance and make room to gather back your energy.
I guess this isn't really a question, but just to say, thank you. ^_^
Thank YOU. And wow, I appreciate you recommending the books to your therapy clients - that is a *huge* vote of confidence in what I do. I appreciate it!
Are there things that were unexpected about moving to the Dominican Republic? It's an awesome and intimidating achievement, and I'm imagining there were parts you expected to be hard that were (or weren't?) but also other bits you didn't expect at all.
Love the books, working hard on giving less (and more worthwhile) fucks 😊
Oops, I missed this question until now! There were lots of unexpected things, for sure. We'd visited the town a few times before moving here, but definitely not enough to really know how everything works. One of the most unanticipated challenges for me was that, as a good American worker bee, I'd been trained to cram my errands and personal stuff in during lunchtime - or, say, be available to run home and let a plumber or electrician into the apartment. But this town takes the lunchtime break very seriously, and there's so much you CAN'T get done in the middle of the day. (Plus, every business has a different definition of "lunchtime." The pet store I go to doesn't reopen until 3:00pm!) It can be frustrating, but it's also been good for me to experience this kind of "enforced break" and be reminded that not every hour of every day is about checking something off of my to-do list. (Same with Sundays...NOBODY is working on Sunday here unless they are in hospitality, and even then, a lot of places are closed. It gives me a useful weekly reminder that I, too, could just be resting or lying on the beach or just doing anything other than "being productive.") When I moved here from Brooklyn 8 years ago, I knew I was purposefully seeking a more relaxed pace of life...I just got a little more than I bargained for in some ways.
Thanks for your note about the books - I'm glad they speak to you!
What are you currently watching on Netflix - any recommendations?
Ooh, fun question! We just started LUPIN, season 3 on Netflix! I love this show - an extremely clever suspense/mystery that never gets too gory, is fast-paced and with high stakes, has a sense of humor, and the lead actor, Omar Sy, is incredible.
We're also watching THE MORNING SHOW on Apple+ and looking forward to starting LESSONS IN CHEMISTRY (also on Apple+). But if you're a Netflix loyalist, I highly recommend PEAKY BLINDERS, THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT, and BETTER CALL SAUL (which I much preferred to BREAKING BAD)...
Hi Sarah
I love your books especially GYST and Grow The Fuck Up, and find them helpful and hilarious.
GYST has many suggestions for creating habits and goals. But, what strategy would you use for giving up a bad habit e.g. cigarettes, alcohol, coca cola or junk food.
Thank you in advance.
Thank you! I'm especially happy to hear you enjoyed GROW THE F*CK UP, which was really hard for me to write (because of extreme burnout + depression, not because of the topic), and for a long time I thought it was probably terrible and I'd lost my ability to write a book. Now I know that's not true, but every time someone sends me a note about that one, it makes my day :-)
Now to your question! I think of breaking bad habits the exact same way as setting good ones. First you have to identify the problem - aka set your goal - which is where the What/Why Method from GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER COMES IN:
Ask yourself, WHAT is wrong with my life? (Ex: I feel like crap all the time.)
Then ask yourself, WHY? (Ex: I'm drinking too much soda and the sugar is wreaking havoc on my body.)
Those answers will bring you to your goal, in this case "cutting back on soda."
(And BTW, this is not a value judgment on anyone's food/beverage consumption; just a thought experiment based on one of your examples above. I've been known to eat a bag of Nacho Cheese Munchies and a martini for dinner far more often than is advisable.)
So, WHAT/WHY is a simple way to identify a problem; then you have to attack it. Since you've read GROW THE F*CK UP, you know my thoughts on getting *into* a habit, namely:
Step 1: Identify the problem (aka set your goal)
Step 2: Implement a solution (aka stop buying soda at the grocery store, start asking for iced tea at restaurants, commit to being mindful of your cravings and don't replace them with other sugary foods, etc.)
Step 3: Repeat Step 2 until it's no longer "Step 2" but just "A thing you do!"
In other words: one day at a time, one action at a time. Which is of course standard advice for a lot of the "bad habits" you mention above that also happen to have addiction at their root. I'm not qualified to advise people more thoroughly on quitting drugs & alcohol (or binge eating, for that matter), but I do think that almost everything in life is easier to manage and less overwhelming when taken in small steps
Hope that helps!
Hello Sarah Knight, in working with people I recently had been asked about hugging. I explained that I do give hugs if is needed put I do not force the idea of someone does not want one. Further I explained that it is about knowing body language and being comfortable in saying 'NO' if you don't want one. What would you say if someone wanted a hug and you did not want to give it? Even more awkwardly you are surrounded by friends and don't want to make a scene. How might you handle this? And thanks ahead of time.
It's funny you should ask me this question, because my husband actually bought me a t-shirt a few years ago with a picture of a cactus on it that says "NOT A HUGGER." Interestingly, the culture where I have lived for the last 8 years (in the Dominican Republic) is very big on a "hug and two cheek kisses" for almost any greeting, with anyone, whether you know them well or not. I think it has to do with the heavy European influence in this particular town, but anyway...I participated in it for a long time with varying degrees of discomfort, but once the pandemic happened I promised myself a "reset" of sorts. It was easier to just offer an elbow or fist bump (or no contact at all!) under the guise of "I'm still a little freaked out by Covid," but really I just wanted to get out of the habit of submitting to the hugging and kissing! In general I don't like to make physical contact with people on a casual basis (see: the cactus t-shirt), and although I've noticed that some people think I'm being "weird" or "standoffish," I simply do not care. At this point, if anyone decides to "make a scene" as you put it, I would just tell them that trying to force a hug with someone who doesn't want to give/receive one says a lot more about them than it does about me. Hope that helps!
Thank you for your candid response and willingness to share a side of you that may otherwise be private. I took have noticed that the Islanders tend to be more huggy. I have several friends from Hawaii and they love to express themselves with hugs! Good luck with this for you in the future.
You're welcome!
How many subscribers do you have and what advice would you give to a rookie Substacker?
Oh, and I also love Charlotte Clymer's Substack - a great mix of personal writing and informed opinion pieces: https://charlotteclymer.substack.com/
I have a little more than 10,000 total subscribers at the moment - but the majority of those were people who I brought over to this platform from my Mailchimp list (and before that, my TinyLetter), so it's an audience I've been growing bit by bit for at least 7 years. And only a very small number have "gone paid" since I moved to Substack about a week-and-a-half ago. I'm figuring it out just like you are!
One thing that's helped me organizationally speaking is that whenever I have to learn how to do something (like "starting a discussion thread"), I search the Substack site for the relevant instructions, and then I email that link to myself and file it in my "Substack how-to" folder in my email program so I don't have to Google it all over again when I inevitably forget how it works.
And I've been reading lots of other people's Substacks for a couple of years, noticing what they do and how they do it, how their posts make me feel, which ones I'm motivated to share and why - and then I think about all of that when I'm planning my own posts. Here are three completely different publications that I love on this platform, none of which are in my own wheelhouse, but all of which have taught me different things about what works and how to approach it:
https://annehelen.substack.com
https://jennyanddiablo.substack.com/
https://laurenhough.substack.com/
I appreciate that insightful reply. It takes a lot of time and effort to build a list. Great honest info and love the recommendations.
As you have no kids yourself, how do you stop giving a fuck when everyone around you of a certain age has them and that’s all they talk about! Ever!
Oh I remember those days... Fortunately, most of my friends' kids now are older, so we're back to being able to have more adult conversations and fewer toddler interruptions. But 8 years ago when my husband and I decided to leave Brooklyn and move to a little fishing village in the Dominican Republic, one of the factors was that we weren't seeing a lot of our friends at that time because so many of them were busy with starting a family, and we felt like we weren't going to be missing out on as much of a social life as we'd enjoyed in NYC in our 20's. Plus, we could invite the parents to come visit us down here when they needed a break from their kiddos!
That's an extreme example of saying that my way of "not GAF" about these situations is by consciously taking myself OUT of them. I don't expect a friend whose life revolves around their amazing precious child (or sleepless, colicky newborn) to NOT talk about it all the time. I acknowledge that parenting can be all-consuming, and I do very much GAF about my friends' happiness and wellbeing, so I'm truly thrilled for all of those who wanted kids and had them and whose lives are now inextricably linked to the little fuckers' every word and deed. I set my own boundaries in terms of my exposure to all that, so my friends don't have to tiptoe around me and so that the time we do spend together is free from any resentment or eye-rolling - on either side. As far as I know, it's working. Maybe some of my parent-friends privately diss on me for being so firmly anti-wanting-to-spend-time-with-their-kids, but as far as I know I haven't lost any friendships over it, and many of my parent pals have gotten a sweet tropical vacay out of the deal ;-)
PS: I should also acknowledge that I know I'm incredibly fortunate to be "childfree by choice" - meaning that I always knew I didn't want kids, I was never the least bit conflicted about that decision, and I wound up with a partner who was on board with it. Not everyone, whether they do or do not become a parent, for whatever reason, is nearly so lucky.
Hi Sarah,
First, thank you for your books which make me laugh & think. I have a couple in both hardback and audiobook format.
Now the question: are you an active part of an expat community (ghetto) in the Dominican Republic? Or you’ve integrated more with locals? Or is it more that you happen to live on that beach? Or something else completely? I’m guessing its a complicated question, and maybe one you have no fucks for? Regards from Downunder 👍
So glad to hear the books have entertained you, thanks! As to my life in Las Terrenas, DR, let me see if I can paint a picture...
I've heard that a full 25% of the population of this town are French expats who started coming over 30+ years ago and beginning its transition from rural fishing village to low-key vacation destination. (There is a thriving Airbnb culture, but no giant resorts here like in Punta Cana; there are laws against those. The closest we have to that is a Viva Wyndham about 25 minutes outside of town, and that's the only big hotel I know of.) Another 10% of the population are Italian expats; and then you've got the locals and all the rest of us from all over the world. As you'd imagine, that means there are a lot of French and Italian businesses in addition to local Dominican ones, and we frequent them all.
I would say our core friend group definitely skews toward Canadians, Brits, and Americans (although almost all of them are retirees, so my husband and I bring the average age down by a lot, LOL). But we have many friends of many nationalities here: Dominican, Haitian, Argentinian, Peruvian, French, Italian, Polish, etc. The language barrier certainly makes it easier to socialize with other English speakers, but my husband and I learned Spanish in order to live here and we use it daily in the grocery store, restaurants, pharmacy, mechanic, hardware store, etc. We could get by without it, but we feel it's respectful to learn and use the local language if you're able. Plus, we have Dominican friends who speak little or no English, and other foreign friends whose language WE don't speak, but THEY speak Spanish, so it becomes our default communication with them. (My husband was in a band for a few years with a Belgian guy and a French guy and between them they spoke like 6 languages, but Spanish was the only one they all shared!)
If I've learned anything from living here, it's that Americans by and large are woefully undereducated when it comes to language skills (because it's not a priority in American schools) whereas many European countries make learning English (and more languages) compulsory, which gives them a huge advantage in life, in so many ways.
I'm not sure if this answers your question, but that's kind of the big picture of my life down here. Feel free to ask a follow-up!
Fascinating, Sarah. Thanks for answering. It sounds like a common language is most relevant to integration... It also sounds like Las Terenas is far from a ‘typical’ DR town (whatever that might be... I’m woefully ignorant about the geography of the other side of the world. Also my side of the world, actually.)
What percentage roughly of the community are locals from before the low key tourist influx? I mean if 40% are French or Italian, and there’s a fair number of Anglosphere origin? I guess I’m comparing it to (maybe) Fiji where there are Passifika Fijians, Indian/Subcontinental origin Fijians, and Antipodean expats, and a smattering of Eurpoean or north American expats, with various layers of cooperation and resentment depending on circumstances and events?
Well, those demographics I mentioned are just based on what I've heard, so I'm not completely sure, but in my experience it seems to make sense that over half of town is still local Dominicans. And there are lots of surrounding municipalities that are vastly more "local" over "expat." I don't really know what a typical DR town is, because I haven't visited a lot of them - I'm a homebody at heart! Santo Domingo, the capital, is as busy and smoggy and crowded as a lot of major world cities; Punta Cana is practically one giant resort; and Las Terrenas is a quaint beach town experiencing quite an explosion of growth since the pandemic. (The DR was relatively cheap and easy to get to after official lockdowns ended, and the government used it as an opportunity to boost tourism...so now we have a million condo complexes being built and I'm hoping the infrastructure can keep up with it all...) We've been here for 8 years and they just paved our road, so I think that puts us squarely between "rural outpost" and "Punta Cana" :-P
Fascinating, thank you Sarah!
I also just have to add, I bloody love your books and I will never ever forget your first book and your “Santa sack of fucks to give”!! The best book I have ever read that I’ve since bought others copies of :) you’re a legend!
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for your reply. I absofuckinglutely need to set more boundaries and nip those “kiddo” talks in the bud so it doesn’t drive me insane. I wish all women who have kids remember that they’re also a person and has a life once without kids! :)
I am a frequent user of the beloved F word. I find it extremely useful in self-expression or when using anything other than, simply would not do it justice. Having said that, how did you reach a point of such self-awareness so as to (apparently) have not one more fucks to give? Can you expound on that for those of us who might be teetering on having many versus having very few left to give. Thank you in advance.
Expound, I shall! This is a two-part answer: 1) I've always been very self-aware. A couple of years ago a friend of mine from 5th grade (who I hadn't seen or spoken to since she moved away in 6th grade), found me on Instagram and told me she had been following my work and it was all exactly like she remembered me from when we were 10. Ha!
2) In terms of *acting* on my no-fucks-left-to-give feelings in a major, tangible way, that took until I was in my mid/late 30's. I had such extreme burnout, anxiety, and depression - which I ultimately realized was due to my job - that I had to either rein in my Fuck Budget or risk being completely miserable forever. For me, that meant realizing I wasn't cut out to work in a corporate environment and deciding to take the scary risk of going freelance to work for myself. Desperation is a strong motivator! Hopefully the books I've written since then can help other people become more self-aware and make necessary life changes long before they need to have a panic attack in their office in front of all of their coworkers :-P
I do hope you will catch my sincere attempt at humor here but am genuinely curious!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ve read and reread your books and I’m proud to announce I’ve been using “No” like I’m Oprah on her Oprah’s Favorite Things. But……
Two weeks ago another team made this complete BS recommendation that would have caused total burnout and probably wouldn’t have worked. I told people no several ways, prepared slide decks, wrote a long word doc all explaining my No and sooooo this week… drum 🥁 roll please…. I told my boss very kindly that one way or another there was no way I was going to do the work. And that he was free to take from that whatever he’d like.
All of a sudden leaders understood my “no.”
How do you get people to understand “No” so you don’t have to make such a bold statement?
First of all: PROUD OF YOU. Amazing work out there. (And thanks for reading the books!) Second: sometimes, some people just need the bold statement. In other words, it's not you; it's them! Your job is simply to be aware of who those people are and deal with them accordingly, so you can save yourself the time and energy spent on all those PowerPoints and individual conversations. (Same goes for friend and family issues too BTW; it's really a case-by-case basis in terms of who in your life may need a faster/firmer "No way and here's why.")
My advice is to use this as a learning experience and adjust your strategy with this person (or these types of people in general) going forward. Does that help?
I love it! “No way and here is why…”
Brilliant as always! Thank you so much!
Happy to be of service!
What do you see yourself offering to men that is different from what women enjoy most about your content? I’m a guy and I’ve been enjoying your ‘stack for a couple of weeks. But sometimes I’m kind of feeling like the guy that arrives at the wrong awesome party and casually looks for his friends for a while before he realizes it. If it’s a fucking chick thing, that’s fine. Just don’t tell anyone I had to ask.
The short answer is: my content is for everyone! (Or at least I try hard to design it that way; maybe I'm not always successful.) Longer answer: The further I got into writing my books (there are 6 full-length ones now), the more carefully I've thought about making sure my advice or the sample scenarios I pose can appeal to people of different ages, gender, socioeconomic status, professional or creative fields, etc. It's really important to me that, as often as possible, as many people as possible feel seen and helped by what I'm doing. The first book began as a parody of Marie Kondo's tidying guide, and it took on such a life of its own as a self-help book that I feel a huge responsibility to, you know, ACTUALLY HELP PEOPLE. And I'm sure I have blind spots, but I'm always trying to eliminate them.
Also: not for nothing, but SO much of my work and the tips & strategies that come out of it involves drilling down to basic, near-universal tenets of behavior that almost anyone ought to be able to at least try to learn to adopt, regardless of their age/gender/finances/etc. The rest is F-bombs and extra credit ;-)
All of that said, I'm glad you feel comfortable asking this question, and I'm sure you're not alone in wondering. I think it's safe to say that "boundaries" *tend* to be more of a problem for women than for men across cultures, so perhaps the stuff I do in that vein feels less relevant to you? (Fear not! There's plenty more non-boundary-related NFG advice where that came from!) I also think that because of the way my book jackets were originally designed in both the US/Can & UK/Aus/NZ, they probably appealed to a more "feminine" audience - and while I absolutely love being a loud, proud voice for women everywhere, it drives me absolutely bonkers that certain *other* gurus with neon covers and sans serif font seem to be capturing a larger male audience than I may see in my lifetime... In other words: Tell your friends!
And feel free to tell me more about what you'd like to get from my stuff; maybe I've addressed it elsewhere and can point you in the right direction, or maybe you'll give me inspiration for something new.
I love this answer, Sarah. Thank You. It deserves a thoughtful reply after I think through things and I promise to take a stab at one.
Do you natutally sound like a voice over professional or do you have a voice coach?
Oh, you flatter me! I've never used a voice coach (and I CANNOT sing), but my husband (who is an extraordinary singer), has always said my speaking voice is one of the reasons he fell in love with me, so I guess I got lucky on multiple fronts :-) Good vocals came in handy when I narrated my own audiobooks and started the NFG podcast, but in terms of any "skill" beyond my speaking voice, I will say that before I started the recording process for my first book, I asked one of my friends who's a professional narrator if he had any tips, and my husband too, since he's experienced with a microphone. (Most important tip: don't drink carbonated beverages before you record. Burping is a real professional hazard.) Thanks for this fun question! FYI: I'll be adding audio elements for paid subscribers to my Substack in the coming weeks, as soon as I figure out how to work the tech (see prior Q&A on "personal successes," LOL).
I have to ask, the itunes podcast of your nfg guides - there hasn’t been one in a while so either itunes is bad, or…quite possibly, you’d just been too busy? I’m hoping it’s the latter (because you’re allowed to be busy of course) as I love them!
Alas, you are correct. I did one "season" (about 25 episodes) of the NFG podcast thinking it was going to be a permanent thing...and then I realized what an insane amount of work and time it took to create and record and edit a 45-minute weekly show (and that was with the help of a production company!). I knew I would never be able to write another book if I kept up the podcast, so I decided to give it up. I'm hoping to create some audio elements here on Substack that will appeal to people who miss the pod, but won't be as onerous for me to create and keep up with!
What is the definition of success to you?? And why?
Great question - and my answer has definitely changed over time. In my 20's and early 30's, making money and receiving external validation (like promotions at work) felt like THE definition of success. I think both of those were a holdover from my childhood, partly because my parents (both public school teachers) were not well-off - although I acknowledge that our financial situation was certainly a lot better than many people's. Relatively speaking though, I knew what it was like to not have enough money, to feel the stress on the household, to see credit cards declined, etc., and finances became a leading indicator of "success" in my young mind. I was also a top student, ambitious and overachieving, dangerously perfectionist (hindsight is 20/20), and derived a strong sense of purpose and self-worth from my straight-A's and all that; so once I was in the working world, it makes sense that professional accolades also felt like "success." And all of that still applies to some extent, but now I have a few more niche versions. For example, a "successful day" for me is one where I feel good in both body and mind; I got a good night's sleep (all too rare in my mid-40s!); I don't have anxiety symptoms; maybe I get some work done but ALSO do something nice for myself. A discrete "success" is when a reader DMs me a story about how my books really helped them, or me being able to figure out how to do something that's hard for me, usually to do with technology, LOL. In sum: the older I've gotten and the more life experiences I've accumulated, the more appreciation I've developed for the good ones, large and small. As my mindset has shifted, my definition of "success" has also expanded to include more than those big and external ones I can't really control (like how much someone *else* thinks I'm worth) to ones that feel like true personal victories. How about you?
For me, success is being a hero. It’s saving people and myself from things that aren’t meant for us. Right now I am a senior in high school and applying to college, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the rest of my life. I want to be a hero, and I believe that for me, that is being successful.
That is a beautiful sentiment and a noble goal. I wish you all the best in achieving it!