Beware the Brain-Pickers

Tips for defending your boundaries (and your bottom line) from sneak attack.

Hello and happy February, my feisty fucklings! Today’s post is part two of a [very] mini-series on knowing your worth, valuing your time and expertise, and saying no to unreasonable asks.

If you missed part one, you can find it here:

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Beware the Brain-Pickers

Last week, I gave you a three-pronged strategy for fielding unreasonable requests that come in over the transom; that is, when you have the luxury of hiding behind your screen for a hot second to make up your mind and compose your reply.

Call it “advance no-tice.”

Today we’re upping the degree of difficulty: learning to issue on-the-fly, in-person No’s when approached by someone who “just wants to pick your brain.”

Yeah, you know what (and who) I’m talking about.

Like zombies, brain-pickers feed on your painstakingly acquired knowledge, slowly draining you of time and energy as they grow more informed—and they eat for free, the sneaky fuckers. You need to be vigilant. Especially at dinner parties, weddings, on the playground, and (in my personal experience) in line for the bathroom at the Staples Center.

Sigh.

As discussed last week, sometimes allowing your brain to be picked is easy enough, and you’re happy to get the karma points in exchange. And sometimes it’s not that easy, but you agree anyway because you’re nicer than me. I respect that.

But when the encounter goes from reasonable small talk to onerous or inappropriate ask, it’s time to take evasive action.

And to be fair, a brain-picker may not realize they’re asking for more than you can or wish to provide over canapés and warm Chardonnay; just like YOU may not have realized how enervating it would be to show up at this shindig and fend them off.

No worries, that’s what I’m here for.

It took me many years and a lot of deer-in-headlights Sure! Yeah! No problem, I’d be happy to give you a large quantity of my time and a nuanced professional opinion for free! before I figured out how to nip that shit in the bud.

Would you like to know how I do it?

(This is not a trick question. You are permitted to say yes here.)

The answer is: I come prepared.

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NFG Tip: No Before You Go

Before I head off to a party—or any gathering where the subject of me being an editor/writer is likely to come up and I might get asked to read someone or their brother’s or their brother’s urologist’s manuscript—I pack a few go-to responses in my Marc Jacobs clutch.

Like so:

Them: “Can I send you my manuscript?”

Me: “Alas, I barely have time to read my own pages right now!” (This has the added benefit of always being true.)

Them: “Can I send you my brother’s manuscript?”

Me: “Alas, I barely have time to read my own pages right now—but please send him my best wishes for the success of his book.” (Also true, and polite to boot.)

Them: “Can I send you my brother’s urologist’s manuscript?”

Me: “Alas, I barely have time to read my own pages right now—but if my schedule opens up and I need a free urinalysis, maybe we can do some business.” (Okay, this one is slightly passive-aggressive, but come on.)

Do you see where I’m going with this? All you need a script.

A “no before you go.”

If you fear that your sister’s housewarming party will be prime hunting ground for brain-pickers, just take a few minutes beforehand to prep yourself before you pledge yourself [to doling out your valuable, hard-won professional expertise for free].

Develop a standard response or two that you can rehearse ahead of time and reel off quick n’ easy when the information zombies descend.

For example: