Do You Really HAVE To? (A flowchart)
On real vs. perceived obligations, plus a guide to making decisions for all the right reasons.
Greetings, my feisty fucklings! Today’s post is free to all because it contains one of my patented NFG flowcharts, and I cannot in good conscience deprive anyone of a good flowchart.
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Continuing my mini mission to help you define and defend your boundaries—which started last week with a deep dive on GUILT—today we’re discussing another slippery little sucker that urges us to say yes when we want to say no: OBLIGATION.
Or should I say, “a sense of obligation.” Because feeling like you have to do something is different from actually having to do it. It’s true!
A REAL obligation—a “must”—is relatively rare. You “must” show up at work if you expect to be paid. You “must” pay your electric bill if you expect the power company to play nice. And you kinda have to do those things whether or not you really want to.
Adulting. It’s a whole thing.
But I’ve got good news: the majority of stuff that you don’t want to but feel like you “have to” do is probably just a PERCEIVED obligation, aka a dreaded “should.” And those we can seriously pare down, freeing up your Fuck Budget for the must-do’s and the want-to’s.
Doesn’t that sound grand?
Of course, in the end, you may wish to take on or tackle some of the “shoulds” anyway, and that’s your prerogative. An important component of boundary-setting is knowing what you ARE willing and able to say yes to and actively choosing that path; not allowing misguided guilt or perceived obligation make the decision for you.
Let’s get to it!
Can I? Must I? Should I? Will I?
These four questions form a simple decision-making framework for whatever request is on tap. It could be a favor for a friend, an investment opportunity, a party invite, or an extra shift. Regardless of whether you want to say yes—for not all yesses are advisable, no matter how tempting—you start here:
Can I?
If the answer is no, you cannot—because you legit do not have the skills, the knowledge, the time, the tools, etc.—then please allow me to remind you that “No” is both an acceptable answer and a complete sentence. (If you want to get creative with it, see these tips for inspiration.)
If you indeed can do it, and you also want to do it, great. That was easy!
But if you can and do not particularly want to—which, let’s face it, covers most of what we refer to as “obligation”—and yet you still feel like you have to…
This is where Must I? and Should I? come in.
Is this a case of “I know I MUST do it anyway”—like giving a presentation at work because it is your literal job to do so? That’s a REAL obligation.
Or just an “I feel like I SHOULD do it anyway”—such as volunteering for a committee at work, which is technically optional, but your inner Yes-Men are nudging you toward it, weaponizing all of those lovely hang-ups we chatted about a couple of posts ago? That’s a PERCEIVED obligation.
Mentally sorting real from perceived obligations goes a long way toward helping you realize that there’s actually very little you “have to” do if you can’t and/or don’t want to.
Let me say that again: THERE’S ACTUALLY VERY LITTLE YOU “HAVE TO” DO IF YOU CAN’T AND/OR DON’T WANT TO.
Unfortunately, it’s around the time of this dawning realization that your Yes-Men tend to step it up, engaging you in a tug-of-war between that lingering sense of obligation and the no you so justifiably wish to say.
Which brings us to the main event…
Will I?
Only you can decide, but I’m going to help you get there—and to disarm your Yes-Men with one of my favorite tools: cold, hard logic.
Assuming you technically CAN do the thing, but you DO NOT WANT to do the thing—and you’re trying to figure out if you still MUST or maybe SHOULD do the thing, and ultimately WILL OR WILL NOT DO THE THING—the best way through the decision-making process is to start with the end in mind.
I speak of the likely, predictable, CONSEQUENCES of your actions.
For example, what if your boss asks you to do something outside the bounds of your job—like, say, picking up lunch for everybody, every single day. Or taking over the company blog as a li’l unpaid side project. Or staying late to wait for the cleaning crew “so we don’t have to give them a key.”
You may initially feel like you “have to” say yes, but I would argue that “outside the bounds of your job” makes this merely a perceived obligation. As such, I’ll ask you:
What are the likely consequences of saying no here?
Has your boss actually said, “If you don’t do X, I will find someone who can!” Or, even if they didn’t spell it out quite like that, have you seen them yell at or threaten to fire other people for similar trespasses in the past? If so, you can logically infer the likely consequences of defying them now. And if you want to keep drawing a paycheck while you look for another job working for a non-asshole, then yeah, I suppose this qualifies as a “still should-do.” Sorry.
But if your boss is pretty chill and to be honest you’ve never seen them snap—and especially if you’ve watched Terry from the next cubicle over say no to shit like this a million times with zero fallout—then it seems to me that you can reasonably assume the consequences of saying no will be minor, if any.
Oh, what’s that? You still feel like you “have to” say yes?
Is it because you think just doing the thing will be easier than saying no to the thing? (Pushover.) Or perhaps because you want to look better than Terry and/or be seen as The Person Who Can Do It All Even When It Hurts? (Overachiever.)
If this is just your Yes-Men talking (it probably is), and you’re willing to take the risk that they’re lying to you (they probably are) and face the consequences (which are probably minimal), then I think you know what to do.
Now let’s try a non-work example:
What if your sister asks you to do something you can but don’t want to do—such as dog-sitting her two St. Bernards in your one-bedroom apartment while she’s having her rugs shampooed, because although she can afford to have 4,000 square feet of house buffed and shined, she’s hoping to not also have to shell out for a boarding service?
What are the likely consequences of saying no here?
Has your sister actually said, “If you don’t do this for me, I will never forgive you!”
Or are you just preemptively assuming she’ll be mad at you—and letting that imagined reaction make you feel guilty—even though she’s given no indication that saying no here would be a sororal deal-breaker? Maybe she’s just not thinking about how big an imposition it is and would totally understand if you were like “Girl, you MUST be joking.”
In other words, is your sis really that insane, or is this more about your shit than hers? (And what have we already discussed re: unwarranted, self-imposed guilt? Hmm?)
Finally, if you can predict the likely consequences of saying no…
Are they WORSE than whatever happens if you say yes?
Like, are we talking “someone will/might be annoyed with you,” “someone will/might yell at you,” or “someone will/might fire/disown you” if you say no?
Because I gotta say, at least one—if not two—of those are better than a lot of potential consequences of saying yes to X, depending on what X is and how badly you don’t want to do it. (Ugh, think of all that fur on your futon!)
It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons, and then take a calculated risk.
If you establish that you CAN and definitely MUST or probably SHOULD say yes to a thing you don’t particularly want to do, in order to accomplish something else—like keeping the peace with family or keeping your boss happy so you can keep your job so you can keep your paycheck so you can keep your apartment—then suck it up and say yes. C’est la vie, and all that.
But if you run through Can I? Must I? Should I? and you realize that no is in fact your final answer—and you’re willing to face the likely consequences of saying it—that, we can work with.
Behold: the “Do I Really HAVE To?” flowchart for all your decision-making needs!
A bit about me: I spent 15 years as a book editor in NYC before quitting that career to pursue a freelance life (a decision that involved a lot of red wine and a lot of tears). In 2015 I had the idea for my first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. And people loved it, so I kept writing! Today my sweary self-help series includes Get Your Shit Together, Calm the Fuck Down, Grow the Fuck Up, and more, with 3 million copies in print all over the world. You can also find me on Instagram, where my content skews tropical (in addition to quitting my job, I quit New York entirely and moved to a small fishing village in the Dominican Republic), plus food, cocktails, travel, and cats. So many cats.
Sarah I just love these flowcharts. I honestly do use one that you published a few months ago - I have a screenshot of it and occasionally refer to it just to check the situation 🤣
Wonderful. I now have a new flowchart to live my life by. I fucking love this!