The Guilt is Coming from Inside the House
Why you feel bad for setting boundaries, how to address it, and my favorite thing to say to people who can’t take no for an answer.
Happy Monday, my favorite fucklings! Last week I introduced you to the Yes-Men and shared my Why Yes/When No Method for determining which of those little Devils is perched on your shoulder on any given day, urging you to say yes to things you can’t, shouldn’t or frankly don’t want to do.
Are you a People-Pleaser? An Overachiever? A fan of the FOMO? Or just a Total Fucking Pushover? (Or a little from columns A, B, C, and D?)
Whatever the case, there is one giant obstacle to setting boundaries and saying no—a no-bstacle, if you will—that we all have in common, and I intend to help you hurdle it once and for all.
Ready? Right this way…
Guilt is a many splendored thing. And by “many splendored” I mean “powerful and shitty.”
In fact, I’d wager guilt is the most powerful and most shitty motivator for doing things we can’t, shouldn’t, or don’t want to do.
The key to banishing this unhelpful, unhealthy feeling—or at least to separating it from your decision-making/boundary-setting process—is to focus on two simple factors:
Is your guilt WARRANTED (because you’re doing something objectively morally/ethically/legally wrong)?
Or is it UNWARRANTED (because you’ve done nothing wrong)?
AND
Is it purely SELF-IMPOSED (i.e., nobody else has said anything or appears to be judging you)?
Or is it the result of OUTSIDE PRESSURE (i.e., other people are actively getting all up in your shit)?
Answering these questions will give you clarity and confidence to make whatever decision is causing you such angst, set that boundary, and then enforce the fuck out of it.
Let’s walk through an example or three, as is my wont…
Are you, perchance, contemplating stealing the last cupcake from your nephew’s 3rd birthday party, and which you know full well your sister was saving for her breakfast tomorrow?
If so, you should know it’s wrong and you should feel guilty about it. Congrats, your brain’s early warning system is functioning appropriately!
This guilt is WARRANTED. Don’t be a dick.
However, let’s say you’re contemplating not going to the party at all. You like cupcakes but you don’t like getting up at 10 a.m. to watch a cut-rate clown terrify a bunch of toddlers into forgetting their potty training. Your sister may be just as (or more) miffed by your absence as she would have been by the cupcake heist—and I see why that concerns you—but in this case, objectively speaking, RSVP’ing no is not an evil or unethical action.
It’s just you, not blowing your Fuck Budget on things that don’t make you happy. (BTW I love this for you.)
Furthermore, by not attending SnotFest 2024, you’re basically providing at least one extra cupcake for the group. Two, if you are then not present to contemplate stealing the last one!
You’re officially awesome, and that guilt is UNWARRANTED.
OK, I see what you’re saying, but I still feel it.
I’m not surprised. Feeling guilty even when you haven’t done anything wrong is a common conundrum. But take heart, for these are precisely the hang-ups we came here to knock down.
Assuming your guilt is unwarranted, the next thing to dig into is WHY you feel it anyway—and more specifically, WHO is behind it?
(Hint: it’s probably you.)
The guilt is coming from inside the house.
I’m guessing that about 75 percent of the time, you’re not giving anyone else a chance to make you feel guilty—you’re doing it to your own damn self. You’re letting what you think other people think (Or egad, what they might think!) dictate your feelings and subsequent acquiescence to things you can’t, shouldn’t, or don’t want to do.
Let me stop you right there.
Based on my years of professional experience as a badass boundary-enforcer, I can tell you this:
MOST PEOPLE DO NOT CARE NEARLY AS MUCH ABOUT HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AS YOU THINK THEY DO.
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