The NotSorry Method for Mental Decluttering

Out with annoy, in with joy! Two simple steps toward giving fewer, better fucks - and doing it WITHOUT being an asshole.

Today’s NFG Tip is a classic, ripped from the pages of the original No F*cks Given® Guide, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. It’s a two-step process that will leave your spirit lighter, your to-do list leaner, and your calendar clearer, freeing up time, energy, and money to spend with people you like and on stuff you truly want to do.

I call it the NotSorry Method. Here’s how it works:

1. Decide what you don’t give a fuck about.

2. Don’t give a fuck about those things.

I know, I know. It sounds too good to be true. But when executed properly, the NotSorry Method is a total game-changer.

If you’re new here, recall that every allocation of time, energy, and/or money you put toward one thing is less that you have to spend on another.

Which means the first thing you’ve got to do is make some choices.

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Enter, Step 1: deciding what you don’t give a fuck—i.e., CARE—about.

Sit down and make a list of all the fucks being asked of you—all the things that you, someone else, or even society at large expect you to care about and to do without question, such as, say, “eating your vegetables” or “attending toddler birthday parties.”

(I recommend going by category, since this process can become overwhelming for first-timers. So for example, “Family Fucks” would a separate category from “Work Fucks.” I go deep on “Work” in my TEDx Talk, which I’ll link at the end in case you have twelve minutes to spare for some of that life-changing magic...)

Next, run your eyes over your list and identify the things (or people/tasks/activities/etc.) that you definitely do NOT care about—the stuff that not only does not bring you joy, it quite possibly annoys the ever-loving shit out of you.

Then, cross those line items off with a big black marker.

(Not strictly necessary, but it feels good. Just go with it.)

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Now proceed to Step 2: not giving your fucks—in the form of your time, energy, and/or money—TO those things.

For example, if you decide you don’t give a fuck about eating your vegetables (Step 1)—that you do not care about getting all that sweet, sweet folic acid or vitamin Kale—then it’s extremely easy to take Step 2.

Just don’t order the leafy greens; it’s not like you’re going to hurt their feelings.

Other times, taking Step 2 will require informing another human being that you do not intend to make room in your Fuck Budget for, say, toddler birthday parties.

A slight increase in degree of difficulty, but still eminently doable.

The trick is to deliver your decision with HONESTY and POLITENESS.

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Honesty & Politeness, a dynamic duo

You’d be forgiven for wondering how, exactly, you’re supposed to use my no-fucks-given framework to turn down invitations (or decline to cover a shift or refuse to participate in next week’s Full Moon Female Empowerment Circle) without being perceived as a crappy friend or thoughtless colleague or bitchy sister-in-law.

And listen, you should be worried about that! I’m not out here trying to raise an army of mean ol’ meanies. I want you to not only be able to budget your fucks and live a life heavy on joy and low on annoy, but to do it in a way that doesn’t make either of us look bad.

Luckily, through years of rigorous fieldwork I’ve discovered that a combination of honesty and politeness, deftly deployed, results in the smoothest transition to fewer fucks given and fewer relationships destroyed.

After all, you don’t want to lose friends; you simply want to get more enjoyment (and less annoyance) out of the time you DO spend with your friends.

You don’t want to alienate family; you want to coexist peacefully with them at times that are mutually convenient for ALL involved.

You don’t want to piss off your coworkers; you merely want them to understand that your good nature isn’t something they can take advantage of just because SOMEBODY had too many half-price Palomas last night and doesn’t feel like opening the store at 8:00 a.m.

Here’s the secret to your NotSorry Method success: honesty alone isn’t always going to cut it, and neither is politeness all by itself. You gotta BLEND those babies!

Think about it. You could be extremely honest in a way that’s also deeply rude, which means someone deserves an apology, right? Or you could be super-polite while also being a total fucking liar. And while a tidbit of fibbing is one thing, if you get caught in a monster lie, I guarantee you’re going to be sorry…which kinda defeats the entire purpose of the method.

Consider, if you will, three potential responses to that toddler birthday party invite:

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“Oh god no, you couldn’t pay me enough to hang out with a bunch of mini dictators and their frosting-coated fingers for an afternoon. Hard pass.”

→Honest, but rude. This is a prime example of why we don’t say the quiet parts out loud.

“You are so sweet to invite me to Timmy’s party, but unfortunately my grandmother died, and I have to go to Florida for the funeral this weekend.”

→Polite, but a lie that’s easily exposed when Timmy’s mom spies you on Insta getting your Casamigos on in Miami Beach when you were supposed to be in mourning in Orlando.

“Thanks so much for the invite. I can’t make it, but I hope it’s a great party and nobody swallows any candles!”

→ Perfection. You’ve been honest about not being able to attend (with a politely unspoken “because sticky little snot monsters freak me out”), and even added a flourish of well-wishes to cap off your RSVP. Well played.

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Yes, my feisty fucklings, the key to giving fewer, better fucks and not being an asshole while doing it is to strike a balance between honesty and politeness, a truly dynamic duo.

Like Siegfried and Roy, Hall and Oates, or Batman and Robin, together they’re capable of making magic, hitting all the right notes, and saving the day. And they never fail to complement each other, even if one shines a little brighter at times. Or gets mauled by a tiger.

With these guiding principles in your back pocket, you’ll be able to say No thanks, can’t make it! and Alas, not my thing! and Not today, Satan! without compromising either your integrity or the moral high ground.

You will have done nothing wrong, and will therefore have nothing to feel guilty about, nor to apologize for.

You will be, quite literally, “Not sorry.”

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PS: Welcome to my TEDx Talk.

PPS: In one of my very first Substack posts, I discussed couching your NotSorry Step 2 statements in what I call “The Language of Opinion.” Check it out here:

Should You Give That Fuck?

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A bit about me: I spent 15 years as a book editor in NYC before quitting that career to pursue a freelance life (a decision that involved a lot of red wine and a lot of tears). In 2015 I had the idea for my first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. And people loved it, so I kept writing! Today my sweary self-help series includes Get Your Shit Together, Calm the Fuck Down, Grow the Fuck Up, and more, with 3 million copies in print all over the world. You can also find me on Instagram, where my content skews tropical (in addition to quitting my job, I quit New York entirely and moved to a small fishing village in the Dominican Republic), plus food, cocktails, travel, and my half-feral trash cats Gladys Knight and Mister Stussy.