Haha, I get this question all the time 😉 It really depends on what specific issues you differ on, but the way I handle it with my husband is trying to find a middle ground where I can say “Hey, I know you don’t care about this thing that’s important to me, so I hope you’re cool with me doing it anyway on my own” or “I realize that I get annoyed a lot sooner than you do by clutter in the house, so I hope you won’t give me shit about putting your shoes away when you have left 4 pairs of them by the door.” I think it helps to acknowledge the differences and also agree that those differences shouldn’t/don’t have to stop each partner from getting what they want and need. Does that help? If you have a specific scenario you’d like my opinion on, I’m all ears 😁
That is helpful! I think I always want us to “be on the same page” which I took to mean in agreement but it doesn’t necessarily have to - we can have differing opinions and respect each other. I’ll try it 😅
I ACTUALLY DID IT! I'm a bit of a "sure, I'll help out" kind of person. I don't know why it started but I know when—late 20s. It often means overextending, not getting paid for good work, and being so fatigued by the end of each day or week or month that I can't do my own things (fun, creative, or otherwise).
Someone asked me to donate a critique for a local writer's group's auction during a conference. I'm on a panel during said conference, also already been asked by some people to chat about last year's workshop they missed. I'm seeing very little time to, you know... conference? My first thought involved a lot of incredulousness and plenty of tude they didn't deserve because they don't know all of the behind-the-scenes stuff. So I calmed my shit and thought it through.
My response: "Unfortunately, I don't have time to commit to that right now. But thank you for thinking of me!" Simple and easy. But it took me so long to write this. I agonized over each word. Was I being rude? Should I explain more? Do I owe them because I am on their schedule? Then I thought of Nofucks. It just doesn't fit my budget, and my budget is tight. So I hit send. The person asking actually thanked me for getting back to her and understood, because of course she did. It was a reasonable and rational thing to say. But wow did it take everything in me to not blather or say yes. Truly.
I've started to leverage ChatGPT when I'm annoyed, fired up, angry, etc. and want to say no or disagree with something. When I'm in that state, I most certainly do not trust myself to be kind and honest. Therefore my go to ChatGPT prompt is: Rewrite this to be kind, helpful, and professional.... blah blah blah.
ChatGPT rewrites my words, I copy and paste it in the email, and give it a quick reread before I hit send.
Works like a charm! Nobody has complained or gotten mad. Plus it saves me a whole lot of time having that internal debate.
Another mindset shift that's helped me wrangle this issue is to remember that it doesn't bother ME one bit if someone says (honestly and politely) that they can't make it to a party or they don't actually love mini-golfing or they aren't comfortable celebrating religious holidays, etc. etc. So why shouldn't I be able to do the same and expect the same courtesy? Why am I imagining the worst possible outcome? (Hint: it's almost always COMPLETELY FINE, and if/when it isn't, it may say more about the person on the other side of the conversation than it does about you.) I would so much rather a friend tell me right away that they can't make it to an event (whatever the reason) than to say yes and cancel or leave me hanging until the last minute when they always knew it was a no, ya know?
This is great advice. I decided long ago to never give a fuck about Vitamin Kale. I don't want to eat sadness.
Brings to mind the title of another one of my books: YOU DO YOU 😉
Serious question what if my no f’s are in conflict with my husbands lol
Haha, I get this question all the time 😉 It really depends on what specific issues you differ on, but the way I handle it with my husband is trying to find a middle ground where I can say “Hey, I know you don’t care about this thing that’s important to me, so I hope you’re cool with me doing it anyway on my own” or “I realize that I get annoyed a lot sooner than you do by clutter in the house, so I hope you won’t give me shit about putting your shoes away when you have left 4 pairs of them by the door.” I think it helps to acknowledge the differences and also agree that those differences shouldn’t/don’t have to stop each partner from getting what they want and need. Does that help? If you have a specific scenario you’d like my opinion on, I’m all ears 😁
That is helpful! I think I always want us to “be on the same page” which I took to mean in agreement but it doesn’t necessarily have to - we can have differing opinions and respect each other. I’ll try it 😅
I love this tip. It’s how I decided not to teach writing classes anymore.
💥💥💥
Absolutely life changing 🎉
I ACTUALLY DID IT! I'm a bit of a "sure, I'll help out" kind of person. I don't know why it started but I know when—late 20s. It often means overextending, not getting paid for good work, and being so fatigued by the end of each day or week or month that I can't do my own things (fun, creative, or otherwise).
Someone asked me to donate a critique for a local writer's group's auction during a conference. I'm on a panel during said conference, also already been asked by some people to chat about last year's workshop they missed. I'm seeing very little time to, you know... conference? My first thought involved a lot of incredulousness and plenty of tude they didn't deserve because they don't know all of the behind-the-scenes stuff. So I calmed my shit and thought it through.
My response: "Unfortunately, I don't have time to commit to that right now. But thank you for thinking of me!" Simple and easy. But it took me so long to write this. I agonized over each word. Was I being rude? Should I explain more? Do I owe them because I am on their schedule? Then I thought of Nofucks. It just doesn't fit my budget, and my budget is tight. So I hit send. The person asking actually thanked me for getting back to her and understood, because of course she did. It was a reasonable and rational thing to say. But wow did it take everything in me to not blather or say yes. Truly.
I've started to leverage ChatGPT when I'm annoyed, fired up, angry, etc. and want to say no or disagree with something. When I'm in that state, I most certainly do not trust myself to be kind and honest. Therefore my go to ChatGPT prompt is: Rewrite this to be kind, helpful, and professional.... blah blah blah.
ChatGPT rewrites my words, I copy and paste it in the email, and give it a quick reread before I hit send.
Works like a charm! Nobody has complained or gotten mad. Plus it saves me a whole lot of time having that internal debate.
That's so perfect! And I second Sarah about the outsourcing. Excellent stuff that I will definitely be using.
Hope it helps!
Outsourcing your boundaries: next level!
Well done!
Thank you!
BOOM!!!! 💥 🎉 That's some top grade honesty blended with politeness. You have kept hold of a fuck you can use better elsewhere! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Thank you so much! 🧡✨✨✨🧡
This is so useful, as someone who always worries about being rude to the point of often overcommitting to things. Thank you!
Another mindset shift that's helped me wrangle this issue is to remember that it doesn't bother ME one bit if someone says (honestly and politely) that they can't make it to a party or they don't actually love mini-golfing or they aren't comfortable celebrating religious holidays, etc. etc. So why shouldn't I be able to do the same and expect the same courtesy? Why am I imagining the worst possible outcome? (Hint: it's almost always COMPLETELY FINE, and if/when it isn't, it may say more about the person on the other side of the conversation than it does about you.) I would so much rather a friend tell me right away that they can't make it to an event (whatever the reason) than to say yes and cancel or leave me hanging until the last minute when they always knew it was a no, ya know?