"Good Selfish" vs. "Bad Selfish"
Featuring 7 ways in which YOU being selfish helps OTHER PEOPLE. Plus: Me-time, the gift that keeps on giving!
Greetings, my fabulous fucklings! As many of you know, over the last ten years or so with my No F*cks Given Guides, I’ve been on a mission to destigmatize the act of being selfish.
I know, I know. Lofty goal, but somebody has to do it.
My general rule is that if whatever you want to do (or don’t want to do) is helping you more than it’s hurting anyone else, you’re good to go. But if your being selfish hurts someone else more than it helps you, that’s a cue to reconsider your position.1
In other words, there’s such a thing as “good selfish” vs. “bad selfish.”
Let’s discuss!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
“Don’t be selfish” is an axiom that’s been drilled into us since we were itty-bitty proto-humans crawling around in the communal sandbox.
Our parents told us not to be selfish with our toys.
Other kids’ parents told our parents to tell us not to be selfish with our toys.
We were taught that sharing was caring, and, conversely, that NOT sharing was NOT caring, and that if we didn’t give of our toys, freely and without restriction, we were being “bad.”
And look, learning how to share is fab—but “Don’t be selfish” oughtn’t translate to “Give of yourself, without restriction, always and forever.” We’re adults now. We understand nuance!
And I’m telling you that if you try to go through the sandbox of life being completely selfless and never selfish, you’ll wind up buried up to your neck watching other kids have all the fun—not to mention all the toys.
You need to learn how to advocate for yourself and your own best interests, and how to go from acknowledging nuance to putting it into practice.
Which, as luck would have it, is what I’m here for.
“Good Selfish” vs. “Bad Selfish”
Pro-tip: Being concerned about your own self-interest does not necessarily exclude you from ALSO being generous, caring, attentive, and empathetic toward others. In fact, it might be what enables those qualities.
For example:
Making sure you get eight hours of sleep so you can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for your family = Good Selfish.
Falling asleep on the couch and expecting your family to tiptoe around you for eight hours = Bad Selfish
Putting on your oxygen mask before helping others = Good Selfish. (We are no good to one another passed out from O2 deprivation, and that’s an FAA-mandated #FACT!)
Stealing someone else’s oxygen mask = Bad Selfish. Dude. Uncool.
7 Ways in Which YOU Being Selfish Benefits OTHERS
If you selfishly run home to binge-watch Severance instead of going to an after-work mixer, that’s half a bottle more of free Pinot Grigio to distribute among your colleagues.
If you selfishly commandeer the radio station on a family road trip, you’re saving everyone else from your dad’s boner for Howard Stern on Sirius.
If you selfishly set the DVR to record Top Chef instead of Pawn Stars, you’re protecting your roommate from the misguided notion that his grandma’s old brass fireplace pokers are worth enough to cover his share of the rent.
If you selfishly choose not to provide your parents with a grandbaby to smother, you are also saving the whole world 5.7 times what would otherwise be your lifetime carbon dioxide emissions. Go green!
If you selfishly decline to participate in the three-legged race at your kid’s school fundraiser, you’re saving at least one other uncoordinated mom from a possible ankle sprain and a near-certain grass stain on her Ann Taylor capris.
If you selfishly dress your dog, Avon Barksdale, in a pink plastic raincoat and matching booties because YOU think it’s adorable, he will have YOU to thank for keeping him dry while pooping in inclement weather.
If you selfishly take a corner piece from the brownie pan, you’re showing at least three other people it’s okay to take one too. Lead by example, friend!
Okay folks, that’ll just about do it for my mid-December missive. And if you’re wondering why this post wasn’t explicitly holiday-themed, it’s because I started drafting it way back on October 15th, before a bunch of shit happened that required a whole different bag of tricks to untangle:
And then some further shit occurred (this time, feat. literal poop!) which led to a timely lesson in crating our emotional puppies:
And then—oh, right—EVEN MORE SHIT PILED RIGHT UP ON TOP OF IT ALL, necessitating the sharing of my favorite mantra for extra-tough times:
So yeah, instead of a month’s worth of tinsel-tips, it appears y’all got a lot of “calm the fuck down”-centric advice and strategies to get you (and me) through November.
I hope it helped.
I also hope to be back in your inboxes one more time before Christmas claims me, but if not, there’s some explicitly holiday-themed advice below to tide you over, paywall removed—like a little gift from me to you.
Ho, ho, fuck no!
Sarah
Sometimes, you gotta do/not do it anyway, but that’s why we call it a “general” rule. I don’t know your life!
Totally agree that teaching kids to share their toys is misguided - as adults, "sharing" our stuff is not a particularly necessary, valuable, or life-enhancing skill!
unexpectedly benefits others, and reveals how personal choices ripple outward, often creating unexpected positives..