How to Take Constructive Criticism Like a Total Fucking Grownup
6 tips for putting on your big kid panties and being accountable to yourself and others
My feisty fucklings: if you were bullied as a kid (or even as an adult)—by peers, coaches, or maybe even a few D-bag relatives—then you’ve probably heard and tried to take comfort in some form of “It’s not you, it’s them” or “Don’t listen to them, you’re perfect just the way you are!”
And that is wonderful advice when dealing with uncalled-for insults and the behavior of Stacey from third period geometry who is SO MEAN for NO REASON. Also: some called-for criticism still gets delivered in a mean way by shitty people who suck. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.
But today I want to talk about taking constructive criticism like a Total Fucking Grownup.
Because we’re all gonna get the opportunity in this wild and precious life, so we might as well slay it!
NOTE: “Total Fucking Grownups” (TFGs) and “Big Fucking Babies” (BFBs) are terms I use in my book Grow the Fuck Up: How to Be an Adult and Get Treated Like One. You will see them sprinkled liberally throughout the post below.
The final part of Grow the Fuck Up is devoted to ACCOUNTABILITY—aka owning up to what you did and then stepping up to fix it. (And, if necessary, apologizing for it, which is the adultiest adult shit ever.)
I hope you’ll enjoy this modified excerpt from the “Owning Up” section, and that it will help each and every one of you simmer down and man/woman/person up the next time a totally valid, non-irrationally mean criticism comes down your own personal pipeline.
Go forth and be the Total Fucking Grownup you want to deal with in the world!
Come on, don’t be like that.
Earlier in the book we talked about maintaining your self-control and communicating clearly and productively when somebody does ya dirty.
You mad, bro? Take a time out, take a deep breath, strike a Power Pose, choose your words carefully and deliver them coherently.
That’s how you hold other people accountable for their actions and behavior whilst remaining calm, poised, articulate, and respectful your own damn self.
Now, it’s time to hold yourself accountable.
This can be a smidge more difficult, so I thought I’d ease you in with everyone’s favorite pastime, “taking constructive criticism without getting defensive.”1
Here’s the thing: there will be many moments in life when someone is offering you genuine feedback, not an attack of the “you should def be mad, bro” variety.
They’re merely suggesting that you maybe could’ve done something differently and gotten a better outcome. Perhaps. Maaaaaaybe. And said suggestion may not sit well, but that doesn’t make it a war crime.
The true test of your adulting mettle is how you REACT and RESPOND.
A Big Fucking Baby defaults to defense; whereas a Total Fucking Grownup accepts that there could be something to this critique and receives it in the same good faith in which it was intended.
For example:
You make your opening statement in the debate tournament, and your coach mentions that you might come across as more authoritative if you didn’t have to look down at your notes.
A Big Fucking Baby gets defensive by way of denial: “They don’t know what they’re talking about. I never look down at my notes!”
A Total Fucking Grownup says thanks and takes this note under consideration.
You dream up a kickass South Beach bachelorette party for your BFF, and when you bring her the itinerary, she wonders aloud if it might be more fun to subtract the paddleboarding and add a stop at the club?
A BFB plasters on their most passive-aggressive pout (“I mean, I put a lot of thought into this, but yeah, I guess if you want to do something basic...”)
A TFG turns the page and says, “Sounds awesome, let me price out bottle service and get back to you!”
Your boss thinks the first draft of your proposal is great, but they have a few suggestions for making your plan more cost-effective in the long run.
A BFB gets their hackles up, gets indignant, and self-destructively refuses to make any changes.
A TFG takes that feedback right back to the drawing board.
Your partner has an idea: maybe you could try a little something new to get their motor running?
A BFB gets their feelings hurt (“Wow, this whole time I’ve been shitty in bed and you never said anything? I feel like such a loser.”) or worse, acts like a jerk (“I don’t know, I think the problem here might be you.”).
A TFG is willing to listen and take direction.
With me so far? Fabulous!
And look, I get it. Even the most constructive, well-intentioned criticism can make you feel like you’re not good enough—and that doesn’t feel good at all.
I can’t really change how you feel. That’s on you, sugar boo. But what I’d like to do is help you deal with however you feel in the most adult manner possible. Instead of, say, going scorched earth on a supervisor whose literal job is to supervise you, or throwing an extremely counterproductive self-pity party when your partner suggests that your technique could use a touch of refinement.
To that end, here are three tips for defusing your defense mechanisms so you can first REACT and then RESPOND like a Total Fucking Grownup.
3 Tips for Reacting like a Total Fucking Grownup
1. Listen to judgment without judgment
Before you decide whether you agree with the criticism—which, let’s face it, the rules of “getting defensive” dictate that you almost certainly will not, at least not right away—the best first step is to take it all in without interrupting, crying, or theatrically removing your earrings.
(PS: This is an excellent opportunity to revisit an earlier lesson from the book and just shut the fuck up and listen.)
2. You’re in this together
Remember, both parties ultimately want the same thing here—be it a big win, an awesome night out, maximum profits, or mutually assured satisfaction. If you keep in mind that your performance (heh) and theirs are linked, you can take their critique less personally and approach it more productively. Teamwork makes the dream work!
3. Two things can be true AT THE SAME TIME
This a terrific all-around mantra that happens to be especially useful for taking criticism like a champ. For example:
The temperature in the bedroom can be too cold for you AND too warm for your partner;
You can be totally sick of this shit AND there can still be a worldwide pandemic/climate crisis/idiotic trade war raging;
You can be doing well AND still have room for improvement!
Taking that last one into account will help you go from “Fuck that shit” to “Bring it on!” (while you secretly turn up the dial on the thermostat).2
And once you’ve taken a beat to manage your REACTION, you can proceed to take it all in and develop an appropriate grownup RESPONSE
You’ve got a few options…
3 Tips for Responding like a Total Fucking Grownup
1. If you must admit there’s merit in this critique of your actions and/or behavior…
You say “My, my, my, how right you are. Thanks!” and then off you go to make some improvements. Look at you! So adult, so accountable.
2. If you’re neutral on the suggestion in question…
See above, replace “How right you are” with “Let me take another look at that,” and see what shakes out. Giving due consideration to someone else’s opinion can’t hurt, and the mere appearance of doing so could help you quite a bit—especially when it involves “pleasing someone who signs your paychecks” or “not pissing off someone who shares your bed.”
3. If, after nonjudgmental listening and thoughtful mulling, you still truly believe that your way is the right way forward…
That’s your prerogative, but there’s no need to go nuclear like a four-year-old who’s been told her Wonder Woman Underoos are perhaps not appropriate attire for the family Christmas card shoot.3 An articulate, respectful response is the TFG’s stock-in-trade.
Here are a few ideas off the top of my noggin’:
For your coach: “I hear what you’re saying, but knowing how my brain works, I think I’d be worse off if I try to go completely off-book. I feel like I need to keep my notes handy.”
For the bride: You know what? Just do whatever she wants. It’s her wedding.
For your boss: “I really appreciate the feedback. I re-ran the numbers, and I actually think I’ve got the best profit margin there is. I’d like to present it this way, and I’ll take full responsibility if the client disagrees.”
For your sexytime pal: “I don’t feel comfortable doing that. But maybe there’s something else we’d both enjoy?”
And hey, sticking with your gut can be a Total Fucking Grownup move on its own—it means you’ve got self-awareness, critical thinking, decision-making, and all that good stuff going on.
But just remember: if you’re going to talk that talk, you’ve gotta commit to walking that walk and remaining accountable no matter how things turn out. If the client balks or your partner walks, those consequences are yours to accept.
And if it turns out that you were right all along, I’ll caution you not to gloat your Big Fucking Baby butt off about it. Nobody likes a poor sport.
(Unfortunately, some of us have learned that the hard way. Oopsie.)
If you enjoyed today’s post, check out more from the Grow the Fuck Up family in this section of No F*cks Given®, or get the book in hardcover, ebook, or audio wherever you purchase or borrow such things. My website is a good place to start.
And if you’re not already an official fuckling, why not join my email list today? We have fun.
Kidding, kidding. We all know everyone’s favorite pastime is watching that Harry Styles “Watermelon Sugar” video.
Follow me for more secrets to a happy marriage!
See this edition of the No F*cks Given® Newsletter for photographic evidence that I know whereof I write.
One of my favourite phrases I try to live by is, "I'd rather be right in the end, then insist I was right all along."
It lets me not get too personally attached to opinions. Like sure, there are things that I won't give more than a moment's thought to, like that taking away other people's human rights is ever the right answer. But for most things in life, I don't have all the facts or experience, so why should I possibly think that my current way of looking at the situation is undeniably the best one? Sometimes it is, sometimes I am the expert or have the experience to make the better call between me and someone else. More often, I listen and learn and do better and then I can give that feedback to others so they can also kick more ass.
Wonder Woman is the best!
I so appreciate these posts, Sarah! A few years ago, I fucked something up at work. I took a big breath, put on my Big Girl Pants, assessed the situation, figured out how to fix it, then 'fessed up to my colleagues (and an external vendor), and then I fixed it like I said I would. You would not believe the comments I got! "You're so brave!" "Thanks for all you do!" "Way to go!" Amazing! The power of owning your shit is not to be underestimated. Walk the walk!