It's Okay to Say No to a Party. (Here's How.)
It's Okay to Say No to a Party. (Here's How.)
Easy, polite, and effective ways to send your regrets with no regrets.
To party or not to party? That is the question—and if your answer is Oh lord please no, then I’ve got some answers for you!
You see, there is a family wedding in October that I’m not attending, and several holiday fêtes undoubtedly destined for the same fate this winter. And it’s not because I don’t like the people hosting such events or that I don’t appreciate them wanting to include me in their celebrations.
It’s because my time, energy, and money are precious commodities, and I can’t afford to exhaust them at every single opportunity.1
Plus, sometimes I just don’t want to.
So I don’t. It’s that easy!
That said, I acknowledge that a) I am deep into my enlightened era and b) turning down invitations can be extremely difficult and fraught for people who are not me.
That’s why today I’m sharing sample RSVP-regrets language for different types of fiestas, adapted from my book Fuck No!.
May these NFG nuggets prove useful to you whenever you can’t, shouldn’t, or just don’t want to go.
(Yes, even to a wedding.)
How to Say No to a Party: featuring birthdays, going-aways, baby showers, and more
Dinner2
Regardless of whether the day or time is convenient, group meals can be taxing for introverts, difficult for dieters (and the dietarily-challenged), and go too late for those whose bedtimes begin with a single digit.3
Personally, I enjoy a good dinner party, but that doesn’t mean I always want to go to every dinner party to which I am ever invited. If you don’t either, you can stop being such a people-pleaser, get over your FOMO, and say no. For example:
“You’re too kind, but my week is already packed and I need a night off from seeing people and wearing pants.”
“Thanks so much, but I’ll have to let someone else drool over your eggplant parm this time. Buon appetito!”
Opening night (galleries, restaurants, theatre, etc.)
To show what a sport I am, I—a person who has hosted several book publication parties—shall formally include those under this entry. And really any “launch party” to which one is invited and can’t/shouldn’t/does not want to attend. (Except baby showers, a form of launch party that’ll get its own write-up in a moment.)
As a periodic reminder: I’m not saying you SHOULD say no to these things; only that if you MUST or simply WANT to say no, you can repeat after me:
“I’m so happy for you! Have a fabulous time and I’ll be thinking of you even though I’m not able to be there in person.”
“Congratulations on [the event]! I’ll raise a glass in your honor from afar.”
Birthday (regular)
Birthdays are a terrific excuse to par-tay, but if you can’t make it, you can’t make it. I promise your friend/loved one/boss/colleague/roommate/teammate/etc. isn’t going to spontaneously combust if you don’t put in an appearance, be it in the back room of a local dive bar or the VIP section of the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I’ve said no to both of those, and my friendships are still very much intact.
Just RSVP quickly (so they can plan) and politely (so they can’t be mad) and get on with your life while they celebrate theirs.
For someone you know and love:
“So sorry I can’t make it, but I love you! Enjoy the party!”
For someone you barely know or merely tolerate:
“Darn, my party pants and I are otherwise engaged. Have fun!”
For a toddler:
“I’ve got plans that afternoon, but here’s wishing you great weather and no vomit in the bouncy house!”
For a dog:
“Hey, thanks for the invite to Fido’s first birthday, but alas, my humpin’ leg is spoken for this weekend.”4
Birthday (milestone)
Whether it’s hitting sweet sixteen or the half-century mark or reaching a cultural or religious coming-of-age such as a quinceñera or bar/bat mitzvah, there are some birthday-adjacent celebrations that carry the weight of a little (or a lot) more obligation.
(Or should I say a “sense of obligation.” See the flowchart below for more on that...)
Anyway, if you can’t, shouldn’t, or don’t want to attend, the key is to carry out your decision as politely as possible, while recognizing both the significance of the event in the eyes of its honoree and your right to live your life as you please. To wit:
“I can’t believe you’re about to turn [age]! Amazing! I’m sorry I won’t be there to celebrate with you in person, but I hope the party is one for the record books.”
“Huge congratulations on [your milestone]. Unfortunately, I’m not able to attend, but I’m so proud of you and excited to see what the future will bring.”
Costume (Halloween, theme parties, murder mystery parties, etc.)
If you’re in the mood to put EVEN MORE effort into a party than usual, go nuts! If not, go no. Like so:
“Ah, no thanks. I haven’t worn a costume since an ill-fated toga party in college, and for good reason.”
“Unfortunately, masks aggravate my eczema. But I can’t wait to see the photos!”
For group costume participation:
“Thanks for thinking of me, but tbh I’m afraid if I manage to squeeze myself into that Village People leather daddy cop outfit, I may never get out.”
Anniversary
Your parents’ fiftieth? A probable yes for many reasons. Your friend’s one-year-sober Taco Fest? A strong maybe. (You like being supportive. And tacos.) But there are other commemorative fiestas that may not ring your bell, and for those, it’s no-time:
“My dance card is full that night, but what a wonderful reason to throw a party. Have fun!”
Retirement/Going-away
Some of these require no more effort than getting up from your desk and shuffling down to Conference Room B at 4 p.m. to raise a glass of warm Prosecco to Lorna’s forty-plus years of service. Others are nighttime affairs with an emcee, a D.J., and an inordinate amount of Midori sours and line dancing.
Either way, if such a party is being thrown by/for someone to whom you want to say a crowded, public goodbye, that’s great. Perhaps there will be free food. Also great!
But if you can’t make it—again, FOR WHATEVER REASON—that’s okay too. Simply RSVP in a timely (aka polite) fashion so the honoree and/or organizer isn’t left in the lurch.
“What a run you’ve had! Congratulations, Lorn, and I’ll be sorry to miss the chance to make an embarrassing toast in your honor.”
“I have to pass on the party, but remember that time we [insert shared workplace memory]? Good stuff. Happy golfing!”
“So sorry to miss this shindig—may the corporate Amex get one last strenuous workout!”
Optional No-and-Switch:
“I can’t make the party, but do you have any time for a one-on-one lunch or drink before you take off?”
Viewing (Oscars, Tonys, Sporting events, Bachelorette finales, etc.)
Who doesn’t love to group-watch one to four hours’ worth of television that you may or may not be able to hear over all the crosstalk, and with or without adequate seating? Oh wait, I don’t!
No intention of attending a viewing party for, say, Hamilton Live! on Fox?
“Thanks for the invite, but as Lin-Manuel himself might rap: ‘I’m gonna have to say no to this.’”
Can’t make it to your cousin Don’s annual Army-Navy football game tailgate?
“Sorry man, but like [insert the name of one of the team’s quarterbacks], I will be passing that day.”
Baby showers
Even if you love babies and the people who made them (and especially if you do not), you may not be willing and/or able to attend every time one of your friends and family gathers in gestation celebration. It’s your world, squirrel.
Perhaps the fun is being had outside city limits and it’s too far to travel for an afternoon. Maybe you have other plans that weekend. Or maybe you’re getting over a cold and you sure would hate to get anyone sick in their third trimester, so you think it’s best to RSVP no and send a gift that you promise you did not touch, lick, or breathe on.
In any case, you’ve got options:
“I hope you have a terrific day and get all the love, attention, and EZ-Kleen spit-up cloths you can reasonably store in your apartment. You’re gonna need ’em!”
“I can’t be there for the shower, but I’m sending hugs to you and the bean-to-be. And a white noise machine for your guest bedroom. Can’t wait to visit!”
Weddings
Ah yes, weddings. You knew we’d get here eventually. (I mean, it was right in the first sentence of this post.)
Here’s the thing: I’ve actually already written at length in my first book, The Life- Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, about weddings and related events to which you are allowed to say no (i.e., bachelor/bachelorette parties, bridal showers, post-wedding brunches, etc.)
Twelve whole pages. WITH DIAGRAMS.
And truly, what more is there to say when all you typically need to do is check the “no” box on the conveniently included RSVP card and put it in the mail?
That is how you say no to a wedding, folks. It’s very simple.
But perhaps you’re anxious because you just know you’re going to have to further explain your no—be it to the bride or groom or to their families or to friends who wish you would have said yes so you could all split the cost of a rental car to New Haven. I hear ya.
And although I maintain that you do not have to give specific reasons if you don’t feel like it or if they don’t serve you, I acknowledge that people get so fucking riled up when it comes to weddings that it doesn’t hurt to go on the offensive here.
So to round out this section, I’m going to share the reasons I have personally given for saying no to the weddings I haven’t been able to make it to over the years. Tested and effective!
For an out-of-town wedding that was held during a year that we were invited to eleven other weddings:
“We’re so sorry, but we’re already committed to a ton of weddings this year and we just can’t get any more time off.”
For an opposite-coast wedding that was held during Twelve Weddings Year and that would be preceded by a destination bachelorette party in Mexico:
“We love you two. We are so excited that you’re getting married. But we have too many weddings and not enough money and vacation days this year. We can either come on the Mexico trip OR make it to the wedding, but we can’t do both. Which would you prefer?”
(FYI, they picked Mexico. Olé!)
For the California wedding that was held on the same weekend as another wedding we’d already said yes to and bought plane tickets for:
“ARGH! We already have a wedding in Michigan that weekend. Hope you have an amazing day!”
For the wedding of my former assistant that I did technically say I would be able to make it to (verbal commitment, pre-invitations) but had to renege on soon after because a pair of extremely close friends planned their wedding for the same weekend:
“I am so, so sorry to do this, but these are some of my oldest friends in the world having a small wedding full of all my other oldest friends in the world. You know I adore you, but we’ll know hardly anyone at your wedding and since you haven’t sent out the invitations yet at least you can add two more people you love to the guest list. Instead, we would be honored to take you and [your betrothed] out to an ultra-fancy dinner to celebrate and spend a few hours of quality time with you that we probably wouldn’t get to have at your reception anyway. I hope you understand and that we can plan our fabulous night out very soon.”
(She did and we did.)
(And lo these many years later she still reads my newsletter, so I guess she doesn’t hate me. Hello, doll! I miss you!)
For a wedding of an old acquaintance that I didn’t really understand why I was invited to since we hadn’t communicated in years:
I checked “No” on the RSVP card and sent a gift. Nobody ever asked me for a reason, and I bet they won’t ask you either.
And there you have it, my fabulous fucklings. I hope these scenari-nos provide some helpful context and starter RSVPs for whenever you’re faced with invitations you cannot, should not, or do not want to accept.
The struggle is real!
Can you?
Also applies to meal-based parties that occur earlier in the day. Fuck brunch, is what I’m saying.
Hello, it me, in my mid-forties.
If you want to be kind but don’t wish to leave the door open, “alas” is a great way to close it softly but firmly. Alas, I won’t be able to make it! Alas, I’ve got other plans that night! Alas, I’ll have to catch you next time around!
I actually laughed out loud reading this !! I'm definitely going to be using some of these. Thank you Sarah 😆
This is GENIUS. Saving it and probably also printing it out and sticking it on my wall. Thank you!