It's Okay to Say No to a Party. (Here's How.)
Easy, polite, and effective ways to send your regrets with no regrets.
To party or not to party? That is the question—and if your answer is Oh lord please no, then I’ve got some answers for you!
You see, there is a family wedding in October that I’m not attending, and several holiday fêtes undoubtedly destined for the same fate this winter. And it’s not because I don’t like the people hosting such events or that I don’t appreciate them wanting to include me in their celebrations.
It’s because my time, energy, and money are precious commodities, and I can’t afford to exhaust them at every single opportunity.1
Plus, sometimes I just don’t want to.
So I don’t. It’s that easy!
That said, I acknowledge that a) I am deep into my enlightened era and b) turning down invitations can be extremely difficult and fraught for people who are not me.
That’s why today I’m sharing sample RSVP-regrets language for different types of fiestas, adapted from my book Fuck No!.
May these NFG nuggets prove useful to you whenever you can’t, shouldn’t, or just don’t want to go.
(Yes, even to a wedding.)
How to Say No to a Party: featuring birthdays, going-aways, baby showers, and more
Dinner2
Regardless of whether the day or time is convenient, group meals can be taxing for introverts, difficult for dieters (and the dietarily-challenged), and go too late for those whose bedtimes begin with a single digit.3
Personally, I enjoy a good dinner party, but that doesn’t mean I always want to go to every dinner party to which I am ever invited. If you don’t either, you can stop being such a people-pleaser, get over your FOMO, and say no. For example:
“You’re too kind, but my week is already packed and I need a night off from seeing people and wearing pants.”
“Thanks so much, but I’ll have to let someone else drool over your eggplant parm this time. Buon appetito!”
Opening night (galleries, restaurants, theatre, etc.)
To show what a sport I am, I—a person who has hosted several book publication parties—shall formally include those under this entry. And really any “launch party” to which one is invited and can’t/shouldn’t/does not want to attend. (Except baby showers, a form of launch party that’ll get its own write-up in a moment.)
As a periodic reminder: I’m not saying you SHOULD say no to these things; only that if you MUST or simply WANT to say no, you can repeat after me:
“I’m so happy for you! Have a fabulous time and I’ll be thinking of you even though I’m not able to be there in person.”
“Congratulations on [the event]! I’ll raise a glass in your honor from afar.”
Birthday (regular)
Birthdays are a terrific excuse to par-tay, but if you can’t make it, you can’t make it. I promise your friend/loved one/boss/colleague/roommate/teammate/etc. isn’t going to spontaneously combust if you don’t put in an appearance, be it in the back room of a local dive bar or the VIP section of the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I’ve said no to both of those, and my friendships are still very much intact.
Just RSVP quickly (so they can plan) and politely (so they can’t be mad) and get on with your life while they celebrate theirs.
For someone you know and love:
“So sorry I can’t make it, but I love you! Enjoy the party!”
For someone you barely know or merely tolerate:
“Darn, my party pants and I are otherwise engaged. Have fun!”
For a toddler:
“I’ve got plans that afternoon, but here’s wishing you great weather and no vomit in the bouncy house!”
For a dog:
“Hey, thanks for the invite to Fido’s first birthday, but alas, my humpin’ leg is spoken for this weekend.”4
Birthday (milestone)
Whether it’s hitting sweet sixteen or the half-century mark or reaching a cultural or religious coming-of-age such as a quinceñera or bar/bat mitzvah, there are some birthday-adjacent celebrations that carry the weight of a little (or a lot) more obligation.
(Or should I say a “sense of obligation.” See the flowchart below for more on that...)
Anyway, if you can’t, shouldn’t, or don’t want to attend, the key is to carry out your decision as politely as possible, while recognizing both the significance of the event in the eyes of its honoree and your right to live your life as you please. To wit:
“I can’t believe you’re about to turn [age]! Amazing! I’m sorry I won’t be there to celebrate with you in person, but I hope the party is one for the record books.”
“Huge congratulations on [your milestone]. Unfortunately, I’m not able to attend, but I’m so proud of you and excited to see what the future will bring.”
Costume (Halloween, theme parties, murder mystery parties, etc.)
If you’re in the mood to put EVEN MORE effort into a party than usual, go nuts! If not, go no. Like so:
“Ah, no thanks. I haven’t worn a costume since an ill-fated toga party in college, and for good reason.”
“Unfortunately, masks aggravate my eczema. But I can’t wait to see the photos!”
For group costume participation:
“Thanks for thinking of me, but tbh I’m afraid if I manage to squeeze myself into that Village People leather daddy cop outfit, I may never get out.”
Anniversary
Your parents’ fiftieth? A probable yes for many reasons. Your friend’s one-year-sober Taco Fest? A strong maybe. (You like being supportive. And tacos.) But there are other commemorative fiestas that may not ring your bell, and for those, it’s no-time:
“My dance card is full that night, but what a wonderful reason to throw a party. Have fun!”
Retirement/Going-away
Some of these require no more effort than getting up from your desk and shuffling down to Conference Room B at 4 p.m. to raise a glass of warm Prosecco to Lorna’s forty-plus years of service. Others are nighttime affairs with an emcee, a D.J., and an inordinate amount of Midori sours and line dancing.
Either way, if such a party is being thrown by/for someone to whom you want to say a crowded, public goodbye, that’s great. Perhaps there will be free food. Also great!
But if you can’t make it—again, FOR WHATEVER REASON—that’s okay too. Simply RSVP in a timely (aka polite) fashion so the honoree and/or organizer isn’t left in the lurch.
“What a run you’ve had! Congratulations, Lorn, and I’ll be sorry to miss the chance to make an embarrassing toast in your honor.”
“I have to pass on the party, but remember that time we [insert shared workplace memory]? Good stuff. Happy golfing!”
“So sorry to miss this shindig—may the corporate Amex get one last strenuous workout!”
Optional No-and-Switch:
“I can’t make the party, but do you have any time for a one-on-one lunch or drink before you take off?”
Viewing (Oscars, Tonys, Sporting events, Bachelorette finales, etc.)
Who doesn’t love to group-watch one to four hours’ worth of television that you may or may not be able to hear over all the crosstalk, and with or without adequate seating? Oh wait, I don’t!
No intention of attending a viewing party for, say, Hamilton Live! on Fox?
“Thanks for the invite, but as Lin-Manuel himself might rap: ‘I’m gonna have to say no to this.’”
Can’t make it to your cousin Don’s annual Army-Navy football game tailgate?
“Sorry man, but like [insert the name of one of the team’s quarterbacks], I will be passing that day.”
Baby showers
Even if you love babies and the people who made them (and especially if you do not), you may not be willing and/or able to attend every time one of your friends and family gathers in gestation celebration. It’s your world, squirrel.
Perhaps the fun is being had outside city limits and it’s too far to travel for an afternoon. Maybe you have other plans that weekend. Or maybe you’re getting over a cold and you sure would hate to get anyone sick in their third trimester, so you think it’s best to RSVP no and send a gift that you promise you did not touch, lick, or breathe on.
In any case, you’ve got options:
“I hope you have a terrific day and get all the love, attention, and EZ-Kleen spit-up cloths you can reasonably store in your apartment. You’re gonna need ’em!”
“I can’t be there for the shower, but I’m sending hugs to you and the bean-to-be. And a white noise machine for your guest bedroom. Can’t wait to visit!”
Weddings
Ah yes, weddings. You knew we’d get here eventually. (I mean, it was right in the first sentence of this post.)
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