The Power No: Another Tool in Your Boundary-Setting Box
How to shut unwanted shit down without saying a word.
Hello friends, ‘tis I, your friendly neighborhood Boundary Bitch, and today I’m sharing a very satisfying move that I refer to as “The Power No.” But also, if you joined me here any time after October 2023 and haven’t already trawled the archives for NFG gold, I recommend taking a gander at the below oldie-but-goodie, which features my personal favorite strategy for navigating the naysaying waters, the “No-and-Switch.”
And now, for today’s tip. She’s a juicy one.
As longtime readers know, my “not giving a fuck” and “learning how to say fuck no” methodology is all about increasing joy and decreasing annoy for YOU—but it is also rooted in not being an asshole to OTHER PEOPLE.
Be honest, be polite, be mindful of other folks’ feelings when expressing your own. This is the way.
Unless…
You already said an honest, polite no—multiple times, in fact—and your scene partner is not picking up what you’ve been putting down.
Or the request in question was made by a pushy stranger, a super rude dude/dudette, or perhaps a bot. Fuck those guys.
Or maybe the real, live, totally known-to-you human on the other end of this communiqué is trying to worm themselves back into your good graces after having proven themselves to be a Grade A ass-clown time and time (and time) again.
In which case…
It’s time for a Power No.
The Power No is when you issue no reply at all. It’s like ghosting, and for all the right reasons.
I use it on strangers who slide into my DMs, wait less than 24 hours for a response, and then send a follow-up note like “I guess you don’t reply to your supporters.”
Well, now I don’t!
I use it when I get a clearly cut & paste email from a brand, an agency, a startup, etc. asking me to “schedule a time to align on getting your content uploaded.”
An impersonal request does not merit a personal response. Delete.
And I use the Power No on anyone who has lost privileges when it comes to accessing my precious supply of time, energy, and/or money—aka that all-important Fuck Budget I’m always nattering on about.
It’s not mean or wrong or jerky; it’s an act of self-preservation and you should feel free to wield it without guilt.
For example, when someone who had routinely treated my husband like shit made casual textual contact after a several-year hiatus, my advice to him was DO NOT REPLY.
Do not indulge your long-simmering animosity with a hasty Are you fucking kidding me, you psychopath devil-witch? Whatever momentary satisfaction you reap will only open the door to further communication. (Psychopaths aren’t known for being bothered by insults.)
Do not even send a restrained We don’t have anything to talk about. (Psychopaths are also not known for letting go once they have a pointy Louboutin in the door.)
Do not give someone like this any satisfaction whatsoever.
The hubs succeeded in holding back, and to this day it remains one of his proudest achievements.
Believe me, I know it’s not always easy to tamp down the impulse to chastise a pest, defend yourself from unfair accusations, or let loose a tirade that would make Lewis Black, at long last, choke on his own spit.
But in the end, getting snippy provides little short-term satisfaction and has the potential for a lot of unnecessary, long-term aggravation.
Whereas if you deploy a Power No, you get to win a fight without even having it.
Neat-o.
And now, here’s a bonus, step-by-step strategy for employing a rare, in-person Power No. If you, like me, do not gladly suffer fools, this one could come in very fucking handy someday.
BONUS: Just say a Power No (to small talk)
My husband chats up strangers while waiting for drinks at the bar.
My stepmother-in-law gets to know the people in her row on airplanes.
My brother has never met a human being he couldn’t rap comfortably with for five minutes, on any topic, under any circumstances.
Unlike these fine folks, yours truly was not put on earth to make friends indiscriminately—in line, online, or otherwise.
Sometimes I do it anyway, because I have had three vodka tonics. But typically, I will shut down unwanted small talk with a form of the Power No that once caused my friend Sylvie to say, “Wow. Respect.”
(To be clear, the small talkers in that scenario were loudly racist Floridians, and I did not move all the way to the Dominican Republic to put up with that shit at my local dive bar.)
This move, should you wish to attempt it, consists of five steps:
Make eye contact with the small talker.
Squint as though you can’t see them very well.
Smirk ever so slightly.
Say “Mmmmm” and nod real slow.
Swivel away.
It works every time.
A bit about me: I spent 15 years as a book editor in NYC before quitting that career to pursue a freelance life (a decision that involved a lot of red wine and a lot of tears). In 2015 I had the idea for my first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. And people loved it, so I kept writing! Today my sweary self-help series includes Get Your Shit Together, Calm the Fuck Down, Grow the Fuck Up, and more, with 3 million copies in print all over the world. You can also find me on Instagram, where my content skews tropical (in addition to quitting my job, I quit New York entirely and moved to a small fishing village in the Dominican Republic), plus food, cocktails, travel, and cats. So many cats.
Take care in the swivel, though. If the bar stool is well oiled, and you’re on your third or fourth elixir, you might just spin a 360 right back in the face of the NO-ster.
I've used the smirk, nod, "Hmmm" and it works great!